Thursday, May 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Annika Sorenstam Is Retiring (Presented by Annika Sorenstam)
10. "Tired of Tiger Woods stealing my putter"
9. "Became less interested in aiming at green and more interested in aiming at spectators"
8. "I knew I needed a break when my golf bag began talking to me"
7. "I'm leaving to play Countess Scarlett Worthington on 'All My Children'"
6. "When I'm in a stressful tournament, I eat golf tees like they're peanuts"
5. "Honestly, this long presidential campaign has sucked the life out of me"
4. "Who can focus on golf when Lauren and Audrina are fighting on 'The Hills'?"
3. "I want to spend more time with Brett Favre's family"
2. "I just want a job where I can sit in a cubicle instead of being stuck on a golf course all day"
1. "The only putts I have to worry about now is my fiance"
Letterman
Never a dull moment in New York City. Hawks were attacking construction workers. Thank God, at the last minute, that thing on Donald Trump’s head swooped down and ate them.
Today President Bush is in Israel. He’s looking for knishes of mass destruction.
John McCain is in town. He was on “Regis and Kelly” this morning. He seemed a little confused. He kept calling Regis, Maury.
The day before he was in the Northwest, and he took a walk through a redwood forest. And you know what? He was the oldest thing in the forest.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Yesterday on “Regis and Kelly” John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. He said the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for “Star Wars” fans. You know, those middle-aged guys who have never taken their wookie out of the box.
George Lucas, creator of “Star Wars” celebrates his birthday today. He’s produced the new “Indiana Jones” movie too. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "George, it better not have Jar-Jar Binks in it."
Ten years ago today, Frank Sinatra passed away. He had a great song called “L.A. Is My Lady.” Much better than his follow-up song, “Denver Is My Bitch.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s kind of scary to be on TV these days . . . you never know when you might be eliminated.
That’s what happened on “American Idol.” Another fresh-faced, karaoke singer tossed into the sea.
The name Syesha Mercado takes its place among other notable third-place finishers, like Melinda Doolittle, Vonzell Solomon, and Hillary Clinton.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Annika Sorenstam Is Retiring (Presented by Annika Sorenstam)
10. "Tired of Tiger Woods stealing my putter"
9. "Became less interested in aiming at green and more interested in aiming at spectators"
8. "I knew I needed a break when my golf bag began talking to me"
7. "I'm leaving to play Countess Scarlett Worthington on 'All My Children'"
6. "When I'm in a stressful tournament, I eat golf tees like they're peanuts"
5. "Honestly, this long presidential campaign has sucked the life out of me"
4. "Who can focus on golf when Lauren and Audrina are fighting on 'The Hills'?"
3. "I want to spend more time with Brett Favre's family"
2. "I just want a job where I can sit in a cubicle instead of being stuck on a golf course all day"
1. "The only putts I have to worry about now is my fiance"
Letterman
Never a dull moment in New York City. Hawks were attacking construction workers. Thank God, at the last minute, that thing on Donald Trump’s head swooped down and ate them.
Today President Bush is in Israel. He’s looking for knishes of mass destruction.
John McCain is in town. He was on “Regis and Kelly” this morning. He seemed a little confused. He kept calling Regis, Maury.
The day before he was in the Northwest, and he took a walk through a redwood forest. And you know what? He was the oldest thing in the forest.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Yesterday on “Regis and Kelly” John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. He said the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for “Star Wars” fans. You know, those middle-aged guys who have never taken their wookie out of the box.
George Lucas, creator of “Star Wars” celebrates his birthday today. He’s produced the new “Indiana Jones” movie too. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "George, it better not have Jar-Jar Binks in it."
Ten years ago today, Frank Sinatra passed away. He had a great song called “L.A. Is My Lady.” Much better than his follow-up song, “Denver Is My Bitch.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s kind of scary to be on TV these days . . . you never know when you might be eliminated.
That’s what happened on “American Idol.” Another fresh-faced, karaoke singer tossed into the sea.
The name Syesha Mercado takes its place among other notable third-place finishers, like Melinda Doolittle, Vonzell Solomon, and Hillary Clinton.
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