Thursday, May 22, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. You know what that means? Nothing. When’s it going to be over? It’s like a bad NBC show that’s still on the air.
Actually it’s a big victory for Hillary. She won big in Kentucky. Of course, now she can move on to the Belmont Stakes.
While she was in Louisville, they showed her on the news in the mall trying on different pairs of reading glasses. Apparently she can’t read the writing on the wall.
Starbucks announced they’re going to do away with their topless mermaid logo. For what they charge for a cup of coffee, it should be served by a topless mermaid.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Excuses of the Naked Pilot
10. “I was just helping her with her bags.”
9. “You don’t say no to Barbara Walters.”
8. “Well Harrisburg is the City of Love.”
7. “Come on — Amtrak engineers run round naked in the woods all the time.”
6. “Uh . . . a bear stole my pants?”
5. “I always get aroused after browsing through the Skymall catalog.”
4. “So we can’t fly drunk or have sex — what is this, Russia?”
3. “No number 3 — writer still playing 'Grand Theft Auto 4' on XBox — will try very hard to have jokes tomorrow.”
2. “Airline lost my clothes.”
1. “I thought it was a layover.”
David Letterman
How about that presidential campaign? Hillary Clinton still in the race, winning delegates, though she has no chance of winning. That’s like the losing team in the World Series, continuing to show up at the stadium.
She’s in debt; her campaign is $21 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. phone call? It’s from a loan shark.
She just keeps showing up. She won in Kentucky, nowit’s off to Puerto Rico, then Cuba, the Falkland Islands . . .
She’s ready for her next primary in Puerto Rico. She plans on campaigning in a skimpy two-piece pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight was the season finale of “American Idol,” and for the first time in years, America had to choose between two men. When asked about it, Ryan Seacrest said, “That’s nothing; I have to choose between two men every night.”
Yesterday while campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. Then she picked up a newspaper and said, “Holy crap — I gotta drop out of this thing!”
This week, Barack Obama campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. The Indians prefer Obama to John McCain because they still remember when McCain took their land.
Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana’s black voters, but they both moved to Idaho.
Craig Ferguson
“Dancing With the Stars” was incredible last night . . . the leg splits, the jazz hands, the cheering, the uncontrollable crying . . . and that was just me watching it.
A court today ruled that American money discriminates against blind people because they can’t tell the bills apart. I don’t think that’s true, because the one-dollar bills always smell like strippers.
The music producer Lou Perlman was sentenced today to 25 years in prison. That’s outrageous! He’s the guy who created In Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I would have given him the electric chair.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
America has a new American Idol. Hillary Clinton called the loser, David Archuleta, and told him not to give up.
Lots of people have gone on to have huge careers even though they did not win: Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, Jennifer Hudson, Sting . . .
Bruce Springsteen didn’t win “American Idol” either.
Jay Leno
Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. You know what that means? Nothing. When’s it going to be over? It’s like a bad NBC show that’s still on the air.
Actually it’s a big victory for Hillary. She won big in Kentucky. Of course, now she can move on to the Belmont Stakes.
While she was in Louisville, they showed her on the news in the mall trying on different pairs of reading glasses. Apparently she can’t read the writing on the wall.
Starbucks announced they’re going to do away with their topless mermaid logo. For what they charge for a cup of coffee, it should be served by a topless mermaid.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Excuses of the Naked Pilot
10. “I was just helping her with her bags.”
9. “You don’t say no to Barbara Walters.”
8. “Well Harrisburg is the City of Love.”
7. “Come on — Amtrak engineers run round naked in the woods all the time.”
6. “Uh . . . a bear stole my pants?”
5. “I always get aroused after browsing through the Skymall catalog.”
4. “So we can’t fly drunk or have sex — what is this, Russia?”
3. “No number 3 — writer still playing 'Grand Theft Auto 4' on XBox — will try very hard to have jokes tomorrow.”
2. “Airline lost my clothes.”
1. “I thought it was a layover.”
David Letterman
How about that presidential campaign? Hillary Clinton still in the race, winning delegates, though she has no chance of winning. That’s like the losing team in the World Series, continuing to show up at the stadium.
She’s in debt; her campaign is $21 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. phone call? It’s from a loan shark.
She just keeps showing up. She won in Kentucky, nowit’s off to Puerto Rico, then Cuba, the Falkland Islands . . .
She’s ready for her next primary in Puerto Rico. She plans on campaigning in a skimpy two-piece pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight was the season finale of “American Idol,” and for the first time in years, America had to choose between two men. When asked about it, Ryan Seacrest said, “That’s nothing; I have to choose between two men every night.”
Yesterday while campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. Then she picked up a newspaper and said, “Holy crap — I gotta drop out of this thing!”
This week, Barack Obama campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. The Indians prefer Obama to John McCain because they still remember when McCain took their land.
Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana’s black voters, but they both moved to Idaho.
Craig Ferguson
“Dancing With the Stars” was incredible last night . . . the leg splits, the jazz hands, the cheering, the uncontrollable crying . . . and that was just me watching it.
A court today ruled that American money discriminates against blind people because they can’t tell the bills apart. I don’t think that’s true, because the one-dollar bills always smell like strippers.
The music producer Lou Perlman was sentenced today to 25 years in prison. That’s outrageous! He’s the guy who created In Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I would have given him the electric chair.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
America has a new American Idol. Hillary Clinton called the loser, David Archuleta, and told him not to give up.
Lots of people have gone on to have huge careers even though they did not win: Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, Jennifer Hudson, Sting . . .
Bruce Springsteen didn’t win “American Idol” either.
