Saturday, May 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
California has approved gay marriages. Finally, taking loved ones for granted won’t be just for straight people.
President Bush was in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. He gets confused — he kept saying, “So where’s Paula Abdullah?”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
It’s well over 4 bucks a gallon! To give you an idea of how expensive it is, earlier today, I saw Amy Winehouse injecting it between her toes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Commencement Speaker
10. The entire speech is "Testing 1, 2, 3...testing"
9. He's wearing a cap, but no gown — boing!
8. Only bit of wisdom: "There's a white Ford Taurus with its lights on"
7. His introduction: "And now, the equipment manager for your Memphis Grizzlies . . ."
7. His introduction: "And now
6. The repeated references to how delicious grape jelly is
5. Halfway through the speech he chokes on his tassel
4. He leaves early to beat the traffic
3. Angrily denounces so-called "book-learnin'"
2. Thanks to the honorary degree, he's now Dr. Hasselhoff
1. It's Oprah, But it's not the Oprah
David Letterman
A man in Pennsylvania is too drunk to drive. So he gets his kid to drive him. His son is 9 years old. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of having kids, honestly?
Barbara Walters has a new book, “Audition.” In it, she says she had a lot of affairs with a lot of important people in Washington. The Washington monument? Nothing compared to Morris Yudall.
One time when she was having an affair with a senator, she was tied up in committee.
Cher has a new show at Caeser’s Palace. Last time she was there, Caeser was there.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in South Dakota and at the end, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Obama got the standing ovation not because of his speech, but for being the first black person in South Dakota.
Barack Obama says that President Bush refusing to meet with Iran’s president would have been like Richard Nixon refusing to meet with Mao Zedong. After hearing this President Bush said, “Look, if he’s going to make people up . . .”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Pierce Brosnan’s birthday. It’s also Janet Jackson’s birthday. Both are very different. One is an aging diva who’s got the moves, and the other is Janet Jackson.
Michael Jackson threw her a surprise party. The surprise being that everyone there was grown up.
There’a big movie opening: "Narnia, Prince Caspian." I like fantasy movies . . . Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings . . . that Al Gore movie . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Osama bin Laden has released a new video. He’s doing great — he’s ordered a new cot for the cave.
President Bush was in Saudi Arabia today to ask King Abdullah to produce more oil so our gas prices will go down. They said no, so now he’s coming home.
NASA has developed a new device that can turn an astronaut’s urine into drinking water. Is there something wrong with that?
Jay Leno
California has approved gay marriages. Finally, taking loved ones for granted won’t be just for straight people.
President Bush was in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. He gets confused — he kept saying, “So where’s Paula Abdullah?”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
It’s well over 4 bucks a gallon! To give you an idea of how expensive it is, earlier today, I saw Amy Winehouse injecting it between her toes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Commencement Speaker
10. The entire speech is "Testing 1, 2, 3...testing"
9. He's wearing a cap, but no gown — boing!
8. Only bit of wisdom: "There's a white Ford Taurus with its lights on"
7. His introduction: "And now, the equipment manager for your Memphis Grizzlies . . ."
7. His introduction: "And now
6. The repeated references to how delicious grape jelly is
5. Halfway through the speech he chokes on his tassel
4. He leaves early to beat the traffic
3. Angrily denounces so-called "book-learnin'"
2. Thanks to the honorary degree, he's now Dr. Hasselhoff
1. It's Oprah, But it's not the Oprah
David Letterman
A man in Pennsylvania is too drunk to drive. So he gets his kid to drive him. His son is 9 years old. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of having kids, honestly?
Barbara Walters has a new book, “Audition.” In it, she says she had a lot of affairs with a lot of important people in Washington. The Washington monument? Nothing compared to Morris Yudall.
One time when she was having an affair with a senator, she was tied up in committee.
Cher has a new show at Caeser’s Palace. Last time she was there, Caeser was there.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in South Dakota and at the end, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Obama got the standing ovation not because of his speech, but for being the first black person in South Dakota.
Barack Obama says that President Bush refusing to meet with Iran’s president would have been like Richard Nixon refusing to meet with Mao Zedong. After hearing this President Bush said, “Look, if he’s going to make people up . . .”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Pierce Brosnan’s birthday. It’s also Janet Jackson’s birthday. Both are very different. One is an aging diva who’s got the moves, and the other is Janet Jackson.
Michael Jackson threw her a surprise party. The surprise being that everyone there was grown up.
There’a big movie opening: "Narnia, Prince Caspian." I like fantasy movies . . . Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings . . . that Al Gore movie . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Osama bin Laden has released a new video. He’s doing great — he’s ordered a new cot for the cave.
President Bush was in Saudi Arabia today to ask King Abdullah to produce more oil so our gas prices will go down. They said no, so now he’s coming home.
NASA has developed a new device that can turn an astronaut’s urine into drinking water. Is there something wrong with that?
