Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. That’s the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies.
I mentioned this yesterday. On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services at a church in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery. Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win
10. Judges harshly critique your performance before you sing
9. Most of the votes you received? Wrong numbers
8. When you sing, that thing on Amy Winehouse's head starts yelping
7. Producers refuse to tell you where the finale is being held
6. Even Dick Cheney thinks what you do is cruel and inhumane
5. While talking to Ryan Seacrest, you nervously yell, "No deal, Howie!"
4. Every time you hit a high note, your pants fall down
3. No number 3 -- writer playing Grand Theft Auto 4 on XBox -- promises jokes tomorrow
2. Even Hillary admits you have no chance
1. You're so desperate, you skipped Paula and slept with Randy
David Letterman
How about this spring weather in New York City? It was 58 and a chance of a shower. Just like my cabbie.
How about the campaign? Hillary is an optimist. She’s the kind of person who sees the pantsuit as half full.
Don’t discount Hillary. She has a backup plan: She’s going to marry John McCain.
Happy birthday today to Cher. If you want to get her a lovely gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Botox.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight is a big night for the candidates. Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky; Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon; and John McCain is expected to win at bingo.
Yesterday Barack Obama visited an Indian reservation and the chief adopted him and gave him the name Black Eagle. The chief also gave Hillary Clinton the name Runs Even After Losing.
The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. President Bush says he’s really excited to go to Europe because he’s never seen a kangaroo.
Tomorrow night, “American Idol” will announce this season’s winner. The winner gets a recording contract and the loser has to give Paula Abdul a ride home.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a big night: the Democratic primaries and “American Idol.” On the one hand, a juvenile popularity contest that nobody cares about and on the other hand “American Idol.”
Happy birthday to Cher. She turns 62 today. Her breasts of course, are only 23.
Scarlett Johansson has an album out. She has a really sexy album cover. It’s called “Fabio After Dark.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama got the endorsement of Sen. Robert Byrd, who believe it or not, is a former Exalted Cyclops of the KKK. Not a great sign for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Obama.
Don’t be surprised if tomorrow he endorses Clinton . . . or Walter Mondale.
Obama is expected to clinch the majority of the delegates, but there are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates, Lemon-Pledge delegates . . .
And of course, the farmer and the delegates. Without those you don’t get into the White House.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. That’s the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies.
I mentioned this yesterday. On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services at a church in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery. Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win
10. Judges harshly critique your performance before you sing
9. Most of the votes you received? Wrong numbers
8. When you sing, that thing on Amy Winehouse's head starts yelping
7. Producers refuse to tell you where the finale is being held
6. Even Dick Cheney thinks what you do is cruel and inhumane
5. While talking to Ryan Seacrest, you nervously yell, "No deal, Howie!"
4. Every time you hit a high note, your pants fall down
3. No number 3 -- writer playing Grand Theft Auto 4 on XBox -- promises jokes tomorrow
2. Even Hillary admits you have no chance
1. You're so desperate, you skipped Paula and slept with Randy
David Letterman
How about this spring weather in New York City? It was 58 and a chance of a shower. Just like my cabbie.
How about the campaign? Hillary is an optimist. She’s the kind of person who sees the pantsuit as half full.
Don’t discount Hillary. She has a backup plan: She’s going to marry John McCain.
Happy birthday today to Cher. If you want to get her a lovely gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Botox.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight is a big night for the candidates. Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky; Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon; and John McCain is expected to win at bingo.
Yesterday Barack Obama visited an Indian reservation and the chief adopted him and gave him the name Black Eagle. The chief also gave Hillary Clinton the name Runs Even After Losing.
The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. President Bush says he’s really excited to go to Europe because he’s never seen a kangaroo.
Tomorrow night, “American Idol” will announce this season’s winner. The winner gets a recording contract and the loser has to give Paula Abdul a ride home.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a big night: the Democratic primaries and “American Idol.” On the one hand, a juvenile popularity contest that nobody cares about and on the other hand “American Idol.”
Happy birthday to Cher. She turns 62 today. Her breasts of course, are only 23.
Scarlett Johansson has an album out. She has a really sexy album cover. It’s called “Fabio After Dark.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama got the endorsement of Sen. Robert Byrd, who believe it or not, is a former Exalted Cyclops of the KKK. Not a great sign for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Obama.
Don’t be surprised if tomorrow he endorses Clinton . . . or Walter Mondale.
Obama is expected to clinch the majority of the delegates, but there are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates, Lemon-Pledge delegates . . .
And of course, the farmer and the delegates. Without those you don’t get into the White House.
