Thursday, April 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
When the Pope arrived at the White House he was given a 21 gun salute. That’s got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable, huh? Guns and religion . . .
Actually, one really embarrassing moment. When the Pope blessed the crowd with holy water, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney and burned his skin.
Today John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates he's the only one who has actually lived through an ice age.
Some news from Iran. The chief of police in Tehran, who was in charge of fighting bad morals, was found naked with six hookers. His name? Amhmed Spitzer. I believe he is the governor of Tehran.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Pope
10. "Where is the little lady?"
9. "How long have you been Poping?"
8. "Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?"
7. "Have you ever tried eggs benedict?"
6. "Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?"
5. "You on spring break?"
4. "What are you doing for Passover?"
3. "Could you record a wacky greeting for my voicemail?"
2. "Can I come up to visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?"
1. "Could you do something about my approval rating?"
David Letterman
Beautiful spring day here today in New York City. It was so nice, Barack Obama couldn’t find anybody who was bitter.
It was so nice that Delta merged with Ben & Jerry.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated again tonight. Hillary is getting a little desperate. Before the debate, she went over to his podium and buried a Michael Dukakis jersey.
The Pope is in the United States. Hillary Clinton declined to meet him at the airport . . . you know, she was worried about sniper fire.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama today got the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen. Not to be outdone, John McCain got the endorsement from one of his musical contemporaries, Beethoven.
Snoop Dogg announced he is writing a series of children’s books today. Is that really a good idea? “Horton Hears a Hootchie Mama.” “Green Eggs & Blunts.”
The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you’re not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, or rehab.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bruce Springsteen, on his Web site today, announced he is endorsing Barack Obama. Which means Obama now has Oprah and Bruce. All he needs to complete the triumvirate is Judge Judy.
Hopefully this will be the final debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton tonight. They’ve had 21 debates. It seems they almost don’t have anything left to say to each other. It’s probably just as well they didn’t say anything to each other. It was elimination night on “American Idol.” Nobody watched the debate anyway.
They sent Khristie Lee Cook home. They say the real reason they sent her home is because she really can’t sing.
Jay Leno
When the Pope arrived at the White House he was given a 21 gun salute. That’s got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable, huh? Guns and religion . . .
Actually, one really embarrassing moment. When the Pope blessed the crowd with holy water, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney and burned his skin.
Today John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates he's the only one who has actually lived through an ice age.
Some news from Iran. The chief of police in Tehran, who was in charge of fighting bad morals, was found naked with six hookers. His name? Amhmed Spitzer. I believe he is the governor of Tehran.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Pope
10. "Where is the little lady?"
9. "How long have you been Poping?"
8. "Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?"
7. "Have you ever tried eggs benedict?"
6. "Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?"
5. "You on spring break?"
4. "What are you doing for Passover?"
3. "Could you record a wacky greeting for my voicemail?"
2. "Can I come up to visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?"
1. "Could you do something about my approval rating?"
David Letterman
Beautiful spring day here today in New York City. It was so nice, Barack Obama couldn’t find anybody who was bitter.
It was so nice that Delta merged with Ben & Jerry.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated again tonight. Hillary is getting a little desperate. Before the debate, she went over to his podium and buried a Michael Dukakis jersey.
The Pope is in the United States. Hillary Clinton declined to meet him at the airport . . . you know, she was worried about sniper fire.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama today got the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen. Not to be outdone, John McCain got the endorsement from one of his musical contemporaries, Beethoven.
Snoop Dogg announced he is writing a series of children’s books today. Is that really a good idea? “Horton Hears a Hootchie Mama.” “Green Eggs & Blunts.”
The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you’re not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, or rehab.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bruce Springsteen, on his Web site today, announced he is endorsing Barack Obama. Which means Obama now has Oprah and Bruce. All he needs to complete the triumvirate is Judge Judy.
Hopefully this will be the final debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton tonight. They’ve had 21 debates. It seems they almost don’t have anything left to say to each other. It’s probably just as well they didn’t say anything to each other. It was elimination night on “American Idol.” Nobody watched the debate anyway.
They sent Khristie Lee Cook home. They say the real reason they sent her home is because she really can’t sing.
