Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
What is going on in the world? Oil hit an all-time high of $117 a barrel, global warming is at its worst in history, smog is choking the people in china. Happy Earth Day everybody!
In Pennsylvania, Hillary and Obama celebrated Earth Day by throwing dirt at each other.
Everyone is doing their part. In New York City Eliot Spitzer asked two hookers if they’d carpool to his hotel.
This week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn't that give you "duh?"
David Letterman
Nice day here in New York City. So nice, I let all of my wives out of the compound.
Pennsylvania primary today. Here’s the problem with the primaries: The Democrats are spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election.
Hillary is trying to convince people she is a hunter. So she showed up wearing a beaver-pelt pantsuit.
She trying to convince voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. C’mon, if she were really pro-gun, Bill would be dead.
Conan O'Brien
This morning, Hillary Clinton said that she will stay in the presidential race even if she loses the Pennsylvania primary. She also said she will stay in the race even if she loses the nomination and November’s election.
The other day, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars too, but he wasn’t campaigning.
Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary.
Diane Sawyer is being criticized because a prostitute that she was interviewing for her program in disguise was recognized by her mother. The prostitute was also recognized by Charlie Sheen.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Pennsylvania Democratic primary is over. It all came down to the Amish vote.
Hillary won. They say that in order for her to stay in the race, she had to win and win big. And she did. The numbers are still coming in, but at last count she led Barack Obama 54 percent to 46 percent. Which, I guess, is big. But she still has almost no chance of winning the nomination. I don’t know anything. This is just what I hear on television.
The candidates have been on pretty much every TV show. Even Tyra Banks became an important stop. Last night it got as weird as it could get short of all three candidates showing up on Maury for DNA tests.
All three candidates showed up on Raw. WWE. That’s the wrestling show. I’m not kidding. Each made a ridiculous wrestling-themed statement. McCain said, “Whatcha gonna do when McCainiacs run wild on you?” I don’t know . . . organize a bingo game?
Jay Leno
What is going on in the world? Oil hit an all-time high of $117 a barrel, global warming is at its worst in history, smog is choking the people in china. Happy Earth Day everybody!
In Pennsylvania, Hillary and Obama celebrated Earth Day by throwing dirt at each other.
Everyone is doing their part. In New York City Eliot Spitzer asked two hookers if they’d carpool to his hotel.
This week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn't that give you "duh?"
David Letterman
Nice day here in New York City. So nice, I let all of my wives out of the compound.
Pennsylvania primary today. Here’s the problem with the primaries: The Democrats are spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election.
Hillary is trying to convince people she is a hunter. So she showed up wearing a beaver-pelt pantsuit.
She trying to convince voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. C’mon, if she were really pro-gun, Bill would be dead.
Conan O'Brien
This morning, Hillary Clinton said that she will stay in the presidential race even if she loses the Pennsylvania primary. She also said she will stay in the race even if she loses the nomination and November’s election.
The other day, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars too, but he wasn’t campaigning.
Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary.
Diane Sawyer is being criticized because a prostitute that she was interviewing for her program in disguise was recognized by her mother. The prostitute was also recognized by Charlie Sheen.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Pennsylvania Democratic primary is over. It all came down to the Amish vote.
Hillary won. They say that in order for her to stay in the race, she had to win and win big. And she did. The numbers are still coming in, but at last count she led Barack Obama 54 percent to 46 percent. Which, I guess, is big. But she still has almost no chance of winning the nomination. I don’t know anything. This is just what I hear on television.
The candidates have been on pretty much every TV show. Even Tyra Banks became an important stop. Last night it got as weird as it could get short of all three candidates showing up on Maury for DNA tests.
All three candidates showed up on Raw. WWE. That’s the wrestling show. I’m not kidding. Each made a ridiculous wrestling-themed statement. McCain said, “Whatcha gonna do when McCainiacs run wild on you?” I don’t know . . . organize a bingo game?
