Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Today Barack Obama accused the Pope of clinging to religion. He said the guys just clings to religion.
Hillary Clinton still attacking Barack Obama. She said that Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked so many questions. She said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Don’t confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton: “When he’s in heat, stay out of the Oval Office.”
According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist.
Earlier this evening, President Bush made an appearance on the TV show “Deal or No Deal.” I guess he got turned down for “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time On His Hands
10. Spends most of the day looking for friends on Facebook
9. Stops by Cheney's office every five minutes to see if he's still alive
8. Calls leaders of foreign countries yelling, "Baba Booey Baba Booey"
7. Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars
6. The man is a walking encyclopedia on "The Hills"
5. Gives the 3pm White House tour
4. Earlier today, he washed and waxed Air Force One
3. Doing a three-episode stint as a sexy assistant on "How I Met Your Mother"
2. "President is on the Trampoline" isn't Secret Service code, he's actually on the trampoline
1. Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos
David Letterman
Is everyone excited about the presidential race? And the election is still three years away.
Today, Hillary Clinton got the support of the wives of the polygamy sect.
Tomorrow is the primary, and Hillary is trying to appeal to the working class. Today, she was campaigning in her blue-collar pantsuit.
Everyone’s still talking about the Pope’s visit to Yankee Stadium. After the mass, the Yankees retired Roman numeral XVI.
Conan O'Brien
This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.”
Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show “Deal or No Deal.” Afterwards Bush said, “I like this show because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.”
Pope Benedict finished off his visit to America yesterday with a mass at Yankee Stadium. After the mass ended, the Pope was traded to Cleveland for two outfielders and a designated hitter.
Paris Hilton has signed up to star in a new TV show about taking care of your pets. In the first episode, Paris shows her dog the proper way to hump someone’s leg.
Craig Ferguson
It’s not a great day for New Jersey. What’s their motto? “What’s That Smell”?
Their ex-governor and his wife were having three-way sex with their male driver. This news comes right after New York’s governor resigned from the hooker scandal! I think New Jersey said, “You think that’s dirty? Look at this!”
“Dancing With the Stars” is back. Women love men who dance well. They think that men who are passionate and thrilling dancers will be passionate and thrilling in bed. And it’s true! Men who are passionate and thrilling dancers will be passionate and thrilling in bed . . . with other men!
Jay Leno
Today Barack Obama accused the Pope of clinging to religion. He said the guys just clings to religion.
Hillary Clinton still attacking Barack Obama. She said that Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked so many questions. She said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Don’t confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton: “When he’s in heat, stay out of the Oval Office.”
According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist.
Earlier this evening, President Bush made an appearance on the TV show “Deal or No Deal.” I guess he got turned down for “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time On His Hands
10. Spends most of the day looking for friends on Facebook
9. Stops by Cheney's office every five minutes to see if he's still alive
8. Calls leaders of foreign countries yelling, "Baba Booey Baba Booey"
7. Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars
6. The man is a walking encyclopedia on "The Hills"
5. Gives the 3pm White House tour
4. Earlier today, he washed and waxed Air Force One
3. Doing a three-episode stint as a sexy assistant on "How I Met Your Mother"
2. "President is on the Trampoline" isn't Secret Service code, he's actually on the trampoline
1. Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos
David Letterman
Is everyone excited about the presidential race? And the election is still three years away.
Today, Hillary Clinton got the support of the wives of the polygamy sect.
Tomorrow is the primary, and Hillary is trying to appeal to the working class. Today, she was campaigning in her blue-collar pantsuit.
Everyone’s still talking about the Pope’s visit to Yankee Stadium. After the mass, the Yankees retired Roman numeral XVI.
Conan O'Brien
This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.”
Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show “Deal or No Deal.” Afterwards Bush said, “I like this show because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.”
Pope Benedict finished off his visit to America yesterday with a mass at Yankee Stadium. After the mass ended, the Pope was traded to Cleveland for two outfielders and a designated hitter.
Paris Hilton has signed up to star in a new TV show about taking care of your pets. In the first episode, Paris shows her dog the proper way to hump someone’s leg.
Craig Ferguson
It’s not a great day for New Jersey. What’s their motto? “What’s That Smell”?
Their ex-governor and his wife were having three-way sex with their male driver. This news comes right after New York’s governor resigned from the hooker scandal! I think New Jersey said, “You think that’s dirty? Look at this!”
“Dancing With the Stars” is back. Women love men who dance well. They think that men who are passionate and thrilling dancers will be passionate and thrilling in bed. And it’s true! Men who are passionate and thrilling dancers will be passionate and thrilling in bed . . . with other men!
