Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Pope Benedict the 16th made his first trip to America today. President Bush told the Pope that he’s prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush has become president, we have all prayed every single day.
I was at Starbucks today and had the new Barack Obama Roast. Have you had this? Tasted kind of bitter.
Today, they asked President Bush what he thought about Hillary calling Barack Obama an elitist. He said, “elitist, Methodist, Lutheran. As long as you’re a Christian . . .”
John McCain said today one of the reasons we're in a recession is because of the "very greedy people on Wall Street." Then he thanked those people for their campaign contributions.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Accountant
10. "My exciting lifestyle is the envy of all my claims adjuster colleagues"
9. "I made ten grand doing taxes for Leona Helmsley's dog"
8. "Numbers are my only friends"
7. "What other job allows you to show up for work in just a suit and tie?"
6. "Mild-mannered day job protects my true identity: Batman"
5. "I'm always the first to hear about all the latest calculator innovations"
4. "When some idiot asks me about a form 8038-G information return for a tax-exempt governmental obligation, when they really mean a form 1038-R recovery of overpayment under arbitrage rebate provisions — that s***'s hilarious!"
3. "I was a finalist on last season's "Accounting With The Stars""
2. "If I screw up something, you go to jail, not me!"
1. "I get more tail than George Clooney"
David Letterman
Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines are planning to merge. Their goal is to be able to cancel more flights than American Airlines.
If the deal goes through, they will be the world’s biggest carrier. If you don’t count Pamela Anderson.
The Pope arrived in Washington D.C. today. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic.
He almost wasn’t allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than 3 ounces of holy water.
Craig Ferguson
It’s tax day! Or as Wesley Snipes calls it, Tuesday.
John McCain apologized today after admitting some of the McCain family recipes posted on his Web site were actually plagiarized from the Food Network. How many different recipes can there be for prunes and creamed corn!
Rob Lowe is in the news today. He’s been accused of inappropriate behavior by his nanny. This means it’s only a matter of time before Rob Lowe announces that he’s going to run for governor of California.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They’ve just released a study that says in the next 30 years, there’s a 97 percent chance that Southern California will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And there’s a 40 percent chance of either being run over or attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak.
Taxes were due today. I don’t like writing the check. I thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?
Pope Benedict arrived in the United States. I was up all night cleaning.
This is the first Pope in history to be named after the way I like to eat eggs.
Jay Leno
Pope Benedict the 16th made his first trip to America today. President Bush told the Pope that he’s prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush has become president, we have all prayed every single day.
I was at Starbucks today and had the new Barack Obama Roast. Have you had this? Tasted kind of bitter.
Today, they asked President Bush what he thought about Hillary calling Barack Obama an elitist. He said, “elitist, Methodist, Lutheran. As long as you’re a Christian . . .”
John McCain said today one of the reasons we're in a recession is because of the "very greedy people on Wall Street." Then he thanked those people for their campaign contributions.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Accountant
10. "My exciting lifestyle is the envy of all my claims adjuster colleagues"
9. "I made ten grand doing taxes for Leona Helmsley's dog"
8. "Numbers are my only friends"
7. "What other job allows you to show up for work in just a suit and tie?"
6. "Mild-mannered day job protects my true identity: Batman"
5. "I'm always the first to hear about all the latest calculator innovations"
4. "When some idiot asks me about a form 8038-G information return for a tax-exempt governmental obligation, when they really mean a form 1038-R recovery of overpayment under arbitrage rebate provisions — that s***'s hilarious!"
3. "I was a finalist on last season's "Accounting With The Stars""
2. "If I screw up something, you go to jail, not me!"
1. "I get more tail than George Clooney"
David Letterman
Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines are planning to merge. Their goal is to be able to cancel more flights than American Airlines.
If the deal goes through, they will be the world’s biggest carrier. If you don’t count Pamela Anderson.
The Pope arrived in Washington D.C. today. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic.
He almost wasn’t allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than 3 ounces of holy water.
Craig Ferguson
It’s tax day! Or as Wesley Snipes calls it, Tuesday.
John McCain apologized today after admitting some of the McCain family recipes posted on his Web site were actually plagiarized from the Food Network. How many different recipes can there be for prunes and creamed corn!
Rob Lowe is in the news today. He’s been accused of inappropriate behavior by his nanny. This means it’s only a matter of time before Rob Lowe announces that he’s going to run for governor of California.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They’ve just released a study that says in the next 30 years, there’s a 97 percent chance that Southern California will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And there’s a 40 percent chance of either being run over or attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak.
Taxes were due today. I don’t like writing the check. I thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?
Pope Benedict arrived in the United States. I was up all night cleaning.
This is the first Pope in history to be named after the way I like to eat eggs.
