Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Oil prices are at an all-time high. This is hurting a lot of Americans. Everyone except Dick Cheney. Since oil prices went up , he hasn’t had one heart attack.
A man has staged a sit-in for prayer at a gas station asking God for lower gas prices. Doesn’t that seem a like a question for Allah?
It was hot this weekend. Triple-digit temperatures. Here’s what makes it uncomfortable. It’s not the heat; it’s not the humidity. It’s Al Gore going, “I told you so. I told you so.”
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate just so she could get the cold shoulder.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. "Let me guess — Bush still hasn't caught Osama"
9. "Have I missed any big developments in beret technology?"
8. "I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Star Jones is getting divorced"
7. "It's nice to see a stable Iraq"
6. "Free Wesley Snipes!"
5. "Please tell me Meredith and McDreamy finally got together"
4. "No number 4 — writer hiding in spiderhole
3. "Damn these rope burns — anyone got a turtleneck?"
2. "I may have been a brutal dictator, but I kept gas prices under two dollars"
1. "Compared to Fallujah, Hell ain't too bad"
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Star Jones?
Star Jones is getting a divorce. Bad news for her, good news for me. She’s the only thing left on my “bucket list.”
She was married to a guy named Al Reynolds . . . How can I describe his departure? Are you familiar with the phrase “Bat out of hell?”
Bad news for OJ Simpson: He wanted to be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” It turns out OJ will not be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” But the audition went great — only two people killed.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama “anytime, anywhere” and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.
Today John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him “the kid.”
This weekend at an event in Washington D.C., President Bush picked up a baton and conducted the U.S. Marine band. Unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn’t know the song “The Wheels on the Bus.”
“American Idol’s” ratings have been slipping this year, so producers are thinking about making some changes to the show to make if more exciting. For example, from now on contestants will be eliminated by a sniper.
Craig Ferguson
I was at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner over the weekend. I was next to the most important man in the world! Dick Cheney. All the rest were there . . . Bush, Condoleezza Rice . . .
As I was walking up the red carpet, there were these teenage girls screaming. I thought, “Well heeelllloooo.” Then I realized the Jonas Brothers were behind me.
When I saw the Jonas Brothers I began screaming too.
Actually, when I saw them (dressed like characters out of a Dickens novel), I thought they were there to do “A Christmas Carol.”
Jay Leno
Oil prices are at an all-time high. This is hurting a lot of Americans. Everyone except Dick Cheney. Since oil prices went up , he hasn’t had one heart attack.
A man has staged a sit-in for prayer at a gas station asking God for lower gas prices. Doesn’t that seem a like a question for Allah?
It was hot this weekend. Triple-digit temperatures. Here’s what makes it uncomfortable. It’s not the heat; it’s not the humidity. It’s Al Gore going, “I told you so. I told you so.”
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate just so she could get the cold shoulder.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. "Let me guess — Bush still hasn't caught Osama"
9. "Have I missed any big developments in beret technology?"
8. "I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Star Jones is getting divorced"
7. "It's nice to see a stable Iraq"
6. "Free Wesley Snipes!"
5. "Please tell me Meredith and McDreamy finally got together"
4. "No number 4 — writer hiding in spiderhole
3. "Damn these rope burns — anyone got a turtleneck?"
2. "I may have been a brutal dictator, but I kept gas prices under two dollars"
1. "Compared to Fallujah, Hell ain't too bad"
David Letterman
Is it too soon to hit on Star Jones?
Star Jones is getting a divorce. Bad news for her, good news for me. She’s the only thing left on my “bucket list.”
She was married to a guy named Al Reynolds . . . How can I describe his departure? Are you familiar with the phrase “Bat out of hell?”
Bad news for OJ Simpson: He wanted to be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” It turns out OJ will not be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” But the audition went great — only two people killed.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama “anytime, anywhere” and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.
Today John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him “the kid.”
This weekend at an event in Washington D.C., President Bush picked up a baton and conducted the U.S. Marine band. Unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn’t know the song “The Wheels on the Bus.”
“American Idol’s” ratings have been slipping this year, so producers are thinking about making some changes to the show to make if more exciting. For example, from now on contestants will be eliminated by a sniper.
Craig Ferguson
I was at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner over the weekend. I was next to the most important man in the world! Dick Cheney. All the rest were there . . . Bush, Condoleezza Rice . . .
As I was walking up the red carpet, there were these teenage girls screaming. I thought, “Well heeelllloooo.” Then I realized the Jonas Brothers were behind me.
When I saw the Jonas Brothers I began screaming too.
Actually, when I saw them (dressed like characters out of a Dickens novel), I thought they were there to do “A Christmas Carol.”
