Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
MSNBC is reporting that the department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb . . . $15 billion a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?
The State department announced the most dangerous place in the world today is no longer the Mideast. It’s now between the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the microphone.
Of course, the Republicans won’t let this Rev. Wright controversy die. Today they said at the wedding of President Bush’s daughter? He’s going to have to be the minister.
Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex In A McDonald's
10. Should I take her someplace more romantic like Applebee's?
9. Am I going to get "The McClap"?
8. Should we just stay in the car and have sex in the drive-thru?
7. The rats won't mind, will they?
6. Would she rather have had a 'Whopper'?
5. Is this what my dad meant when he said, "Go get a job at McDonald's"?
4. Should I add fries and a soda for an extra 99 cents?
3. Can I tell my wife I was just getting a Happy Meal?
2. Should I see a psychiatrist?
1. Is this going to hurt my wife's presidential campaign?
David Letterman
Are you sick of the presidential primaries? Hillary wants another debate. She has nothing more to say really, she just wants to show off another pantsuit.
The primary season is just dragging and dragging . . . and the election isn’t for another three years.
Last week Pennsylvania, next week my home state of Indiana, then North Carolina, then Canada, then on to Europe.
How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who walks into a Circuit City and asks, “Do you have typewriter ribbon?”
Conan O'Brien
Tomorrow night on Fox News, Hillary Clinton will be making her first ever appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s show “The O’Reilly Factor.” Hillary should do well because she has years of experience yelling, “Shut up, Bill.”
Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession. Instead, Bush said, “Our country is heading towards something that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin’.”
US magazine says that Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama for president. Richie said, ‘I’d throw my weight behind him but I don’t have any.”
Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it's exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short — because the air caught on fire.
Craig Ferguson
Released today: the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker — but don’t want to leave the house.
Hillary Clinton announced today that she’ll appear on “The O’Reilly Factor.” Which should be great, a real confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party. And on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly.
Disney they shouldn’t be upset about Miley Cyrus (for Vanity Fair photos). Look at Donald Duck — he hasn’t worn pants for 50 years.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. They say it answers any questions left unanswered by Grand Theft Autos I, II, and III.
Fans waited all night to buy it. If they were real fans, they’d just steal a car and drive it through the front window of the store and take the game.
It’s a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there in the sunshine and really stealing cars.
Jay Leno
MSNBC is reporting that the department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb . . . $15 billion a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?
The State department announced the most dangerous place in the world today is no longer the Mideast. It’s now between the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the microphone.
Of course, the Republicans won’t let this Rev. Wright controversy die. Today they said at the wedding of President Bush’s daughter? He’s going to have to be the minister.
Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex In A McDonald's
10. Should I take her someplace more romantic like Applebee's?
9. Am I going to get "The McClap"?
8. Should we just stay in the car and have sex in the drive-thru?
7. The rats won't mind, will they?
6. Would she rather have had a 'Whopper'?
5. Is this what my dad meant when he said, "Go get a job at McDonald's"?
4. Should I add fries and a soda for an extra 99 cents?
3. Can I tell my wife I was just getting a Happy Meal?
2. Should I see a psychiatrist?
1. Is this going to hurt my wife's presidential campaign?
David Letterman
Are you sick of the presidential primaries? Hillary wants another debate. She has nothing more to say really, she just wants to show off another pantsuit.
The primary season is just dragging and dragging . . . and the election isn’t for another three years.
Last week Pennsylvania, next week my home state of Indiana, then North Carolina, then Canada, then on to Europe.
How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who walks into a Circuit City and asks, “Do you have typewriter ribbon?”
Conan O'Brien
Tomorrow night on Fox News, Hillary Clinton will be making her first ever appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s show “The O’Reilly Factor.” Hillary should do well because she has years of experience yelling, “Shut up, Bill.”
Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession. Instead, Bush said, “Our country is heading towards something that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin’.”
US magazine says that Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama for president. Richie said, ‘I’d throw my weight behind him but I don’t have any.”
Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it's exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short — because the air caught on fire.
Craig Ferguson
Released today: the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker — but don’t want to leave the house.
Hillary Clinton announced today that she’ll appear on “The O’Reilly Factor.” Which should be great, a real confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party. And on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly.
Disney they shouldn’t be upset about Miley Cyrus (for Vanity Fair photos). Look at Donald Duck — he hasn’t worn pants for 50 years.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. They say it answers any questions left unanswered by Grand Theft Autos I, II, and III.
Fans waited all night to buy it. If they were real fans, they’d just steal a car and drive it through the front window of the store and take the game.
It’s a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there in the sunshine and really stealing cars.
