Saturday, April 12, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
More bad news for the Detroit Tigers; they lost again last night. After winning the night before. They are now one in eight. They won one and lost eight. Or as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place.
A fire burned Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Terre Haute, Ind. I knew Hillary’s campaign was facing financial trouble but when you’re burning the building down for the insurance money, that’s not a good sign.
Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, and then run back in to rescue three puppies.
Experts are suggesting that if Hillary loses Pennsylvania, she could be finished. I don’t want to say Hillary’s days might be numbered, but her new Secret Service codename is Katie Couric.
Conan O'Brien
This week California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, “Hello girly-men.”
According to his tax return, last year Vice President Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity: “Coal for Tots.”
In Florida, two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing banks while dressed as ninjas. If they’re convicted the women could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the week.
China is recalling thousands of pairs of novelty “Hillbilly Teeth” because the teeth may contain lead paint. When he heard that China was recalling the Hillbilly Teeth, President Bush said, “OK, now I’m boycotting the Olympics.”
Craig Ferguson
The Olympic torch was in San Francisco. It was a huge event. They had to call in the Coast Guard. Actually, that’s just San Francisco. Any excuse to get the sailors in.
I heard John Cleese from “Monty Python” has offered to help Barack Obama write his speeches. That’s just what you need, Obama.
Actually there’s a lot of comedians that write for presidents. Larry the Cable Guy has been writing for George Bush for years.
There are rumors that Condoleezza Rice may be John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. It’s a good move. A lot of people think she’s the female Hillary Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o’clock Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers. Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem.
Are Hot Pockets deductible?
The state legislature of Florida is supposed to pass a law that would allow citizens to bring concealed weapons to work. Why? I don’t know. Maybe to keep bosses on their toes.
Jay Leno
More bad news for the Detroit Tigers; they lost again last night. After winning the night before. They are now one in eight. They won one and lost eight. Or as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place.
A fire burned Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Terre Haute, Ind. I knew Hillary’s campaign was facing financial trouble but when you’re burning the building down for the insurance money, that’s not a good sign.
Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, and then run back in to rescue three puppies.
Experts are suggesting that if Hillary loses Pennsylvania, she could be finished. I don’t want to say Hillary’s days might be numbered, but her new Secret Service codename is Katie Couric.
Conan O'Brien
This week California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, “Hello girly-men.”
According to his tax return, last year Vice President Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity: “Coal for Tots.”
In Florida, two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing banks while dressed as ninjas. If they’re convicted the women could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the week.
China is recalling thousands of pairs of novelty “Hillbilly Teeth” because the teeth may contain lead paint. When he heard that China was recalling the Hillbilly Teeth, President Bush said, “OK, now I’m boycotting the Olympics.”
Craig Ferguson
The Olympic torch was in San Francisco. It was a huge event. They had to call in the Coast Guard. Actually, that’s just San Francisco. Any excuse to get the sailors in.
I heard John Cleese from “Monty Python” has offered to help Barack Obama write his speeches. That’s just what you need, Obama.
Actually there’s a lot of comedians that write for presidents. Larry the Cable Guy has been writing for George Bush for years.
There are rumors that Condoleezza Rice may be John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. It’s a good move. A lot of people think she’s the female Hillary Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o’clock Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers. Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem.
Are Hot Pockets deductible?
The state legislature of Florida is supposed to pass a law that would allow citizens to bring concealed weapons to work. Why? I don’t know. Maybe to keep bosses on their toes.
