Thursday, April 24, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary by 10 points. Barack got beaten so badly that today he offered her the spot of vice president.
Hillary was thrilled she got the double-digit victory. Bill said he hasn’t seen her this happy since before he married her.
Even though she won, Hillary’s campaign is $10 million in debt. Ironically, her big issue? “I can handle the economy.”
All three candidates made an appearance on the WWE Monday Night Raw. I wonder how many people think the candidates appearing on a wrestling show cheapens the political process . . . I wonder how many people think having the candidates appear on a wrestling show cheapens the wrestling show . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating
10. Fewer embarrassing gaffes, more humiliating blunders
9. Replace "Hail To The Chief" with Black Sabbath's "Iron Man"
8. Send FEMA to rebuild Knicks
7. Change name to Barack W. Obusha
6. Show America you're not some stiff workaholic by blowing off work sometimes
5. Jump Snake River in rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle"
4. Become trapped in an elevator until January 20, 2009
4. Become trapped in an elevator until January 20
3. Less of this (VT: Bush dancing in New Orleans)
2. Ask father for tips on how he achieved his 31% approval rating
1. Hide Cheney's medication
David Letterman
It was so nice out today that the Pope is coming back.
It was so nice, Donald Trump opened the sunroof to his hair.
It was so nice, Hillary Clinton wore her pantsuit without the pants.
It was so nice that Amy Winehouse gave that thing on her head a flea dip.
Conan O'Brien
Big won for Hillary Clinton last night. In her victory speech last night, she repeatedly used the words, "fight," "fighter," "fighting." Then she said, “Enough about my marriage.”
No one says anything about John McCain anymore. I guess he won his side of the thing, and now he’s just wandering around.
He’s trying to get press, so this week, he went on a tour of areas that he called “forgotten places.” Which at his age, is just about everywhere.
Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am still hung over from Earth Day. I ate way too much earth.
I learned a lot from the primary yesterday. For instance, Pa. Stands for Pennsylvania.
The Clinton camp still faces some serious money problems. If only Hillary knew a wealthy former president who made $30 million on his autobiography.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary by 10 points. Barack got beaten so badly that today he offered her the spot of vice president.
Hillary was thrilled she got the double-digit victory. Bill said he hasn’t seen her this happy since before he married her.
Even though she won, Hillary’s campaign is $10 million in debt. Ironically, her big issue? “I can handle the economy.”
All three candidates made an appearance on the WWE Monday Night Raw. I wonder how many people think the candidates appearing on a wrestling show cheapens the political process . . . I wonder how many people think having the candidates appear on a wrestling show cheapens the wrestling show . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating
10. Fewer embarrassing gaffes, more humiliating blunders
9. Replace "Hail To The Chief" with Black Sabbath's "Iron Man"
8. Send FEMA to rebuild Knicks
7. Change name to Barack W. Obusha
6. Show America you're not some stiff workaholic by blowing off work sometimes
5. Jump Snake River in rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle"
4. Become trapped in an elevator until January 20, 2009
4. Become trapped in an elevator until January 20
3. Less of this (VT: Bush dancing in New Orleans)
2. Ask father for tips on how he achieved his 31% approval rating
1. Hide Cheney's medication
David Letterman
It was so nice out today that the Pope is coming back.
It was so nice, Donald Trump opened the sunroof to his hair.
It was so nice, Hillary Clinton wore her pantsuit without the pants.
It was so nice that Amy Winehouse gave that thing on her head a flea dip.
Conan O'Brien
Big won for Hillary Clinton last night. In her victory speech last night, she repeatedly used the words, "fight," "fighter," "fighting." Then she said, “Enough about my marriage.”
No one says anything about John McCain anymore. I guess he won his side of the thing, and now he’s just wandering around.
He’s trying to get press, so this week, he went on a tour of areas that he called “forgotten places.” Which at his age, is just about everywhere.
Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am still hung over from Earth Day. I ate way too much earth.
I learned a lot from the primary yesterday. For instance, Pa. Stands for Pennsylvania.
The Clinton camp still faces some serious money problems. If only Hillary knew a wealthy former president who made $30 million on his autobiography.
