Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama got himself in a little hot water over the weekend. He said small town people become bitter and cling to guns and religion when there’s economic problems. Well, sure — when your house gets repossessed, you pull out your guns.
Hillary Clinton said he was elitist and out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject and charged a million bucks for it.
John Kerry later stepped forward and said, “What’s wrong with being elitist?”
Hillary Clinton was shown in a bar in Indiana drinking a beer and doing a shot of whiskey. It worked — today, Ted Kennedy switched back to Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Trevor Immelman's Life Has Changed Since Winning The Masters
10. "I've been elevated from 'Unknown' to 'Obscure'"
9. "Thanks to the prize money, I no longer have to buy generic root beer"
8. "Suddenly I don't look so foolish for trademarking 'Immelmania'"
7. "I'm BFF's with Lauren and Heidi from 'The Hills'"
6. "President Bush called to congratulate me on winning Wimbledon"
5. "When my caddy reccomends a club I can say, 'Excuse me, how many Masters have you won?'"
4. "Invited to Masters Winners Week on 'Jeopardy'"
3. "I get a lifetime supply of them little pencils"
2. "Guess who's playing 36 holes with the Pope this weekend?"
1. "Get to put my arm around Tiger Woods and say, 'Maybe next year'"
David Letterman
It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills.
The Pope is coming to New York City. He’s rich. He’s powerful. Guess what, girls? He’s single.
On Monday, he’ll be performing an exorcism on “The View.”
They had the London Marathon over the weekend. A guy ran it — 101 years old. When I saw that, I said out loud, “Way to go Regis.”
Craig Ferguson
A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. On the upside, this is Bush’s highest poll numbers in years.
I was in Chicago over the weekend. It was hard getting in. Something like 300 flights were canceled. Which sounds like a lot, but CBS canceled that many shows just last week.
Here in L.A. there’s actually a subway. Not many people take it though . . . subway . . . fault lines . . . what could possibly go wrong?
Jay Leno
Barack Obama got himself in a little hot water over the weekend. He said small town people become bitter and cling to guns and religion when there’s economic problems. Well, sure — when your house gets repossessed, you pull out your guns.
Hillary Clinton said he was elitist and out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject and charged a million bucks for it.
John Kerry later stepped forward and said, “What’s wrong with being elitist?”
Hillary Clinton was shown in a bar in Indiana drinking a beer and doing a shot of whiskey. It worked — today, Ted Kennedy switched back to Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Trevor Immelman's Life Has Changed Since Winning The Masters
10. "I've been elevated from 'Unknown' to 'Obscure'"
9. "Thanks to the prize money, I no longer have to buy generic root beer"
8. "Suddenly I don't look so foolish for trademarking 'Immelmania'"
7. "I'm BFF's with Lauren and Heidi from 'The Hills'"
6. "President Bush called to congratulate me on winning Wimbledon"
5. "When my caddy reccomends a club I can say, 'Excuse me, how many Masters have you won?'"
4. "Invited to Masters Winners Week on 'Jeopardy'"
3. "I get a lifetime supply of them little pencils"
2. "Guess who's playing 36 holes with the Pope this weekend?"
1. "Get to put my arm around Tiger Woods and say, 'Maybe next year'"
David Letterman
It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills.
The Pope is coming to New York City. He’s rich. He’s powerful. Guess what, girls? He’s single.
On Monday, he’ll be performing an exorcism on “The View.”
They had the London Marathon over the weekend. A guy ran it — 101 years old. When I saw that, I said out loud, “Way to go Regis.”
Craig Ferguson
A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. On the upside, this is Bush’s highest poll numbers in years.
I was in Chicago over the weekend. It was hard getting in. Something like 300 flights were canceled. Which sounds like a lot, but CBS canceled that many shows just last week.
Here in L.A. there’s actually a subway. Not many people take it though . . . subway . . . fault lines . . . what could possibly go wrong?
