Saturday, April 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
After that long, drawn-out primary in Pennsylvania, our choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama, and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestling names: the Geezer, the Pleaser, or the Freezer.
Big announcement today from the Hillary Clinton campaign. She says if you count the votes that don't count, she's winning.
As you know, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now arguing over who has received the most overall votes during the primaries. Hillary's people have one way of counting, the popular vote, and Barack's people have another way of counting. I'm beginning to understand why the Democrats keep blowing all these elections — they haven't figured out how to count votes.
China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Exhausted
10. Spends most of her time campaigning in Sleepy's mattress stores
9. Barely has enough energy to lie about battling Bosnian snipers
8. Last night, spent 2 hours debating a coat rack
7. Agreed not to dispute Florida and Michigan delegates in exchange for a nap
6. Announced a new tax break for kitties
5. Greeted Philadelphia voters with, "It's great to be back in Tacoma!"
4. She's mismatching her pantsuits
3. When asked how she'd fight terrorism, she said, "Two words: Iron Man"
2. 3 a.m. phone call? "Let the machine get it"
1. So tired, she actually crawled in to bed with Bill
David Letterman
What a beautiful day. It’s 75 and sunny . . . like Cathy Lee Gifford.
So beautiful, the Statue of Liberty was holding a bottle of Corona.
So beautiful, Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named June.
This just in: Barack Obama was cleaning out his campaign headquarters in Pennsylvania, and he found a buried Ralph Nader jersey.
Conan O'Brien
After the Pennsylvania primary, Barack Obama has resigned himself for a long, drawn-out battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah . . . join the club.”
Barack Obama said he needs to attract older voters, and he said he’s going to work hard to prove he understands them. Today, he ate dinner at 3 in the afternoon.
It’s been reported that President Bush was so impressed with the Pope’s visit to Washington, that after he leaves office, Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, “I’d convert now, but Dick Cheney gets freaked out if you get any where near him with a cross.”
Paris Hilton in going to star in a new reality show where she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie. So far the front-runner to replace Nicole is a No. 2 pencil.
Craig Ferguson
Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”
“You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”
Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .
Allegedly, Barbra doesn’t allow her employees to make eye contact with her. Here, it’s the other way around. My employees don’t allow me to make eye contact with them.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today was Take Your Child to Work Day, or as they say in China, Thursday.
It’s a great day to show your child how miserable they will be.
Take Your Child to Work Day should be sponsored by Zoloft.
Jay Leno
After that long, drawn-out primary in Pennsylvania, our choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama, and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestling names: the Geezer, the Pleaser, or the Freezer.
Big announcement today from the Hillary Clinton campaign. She says if you count the votes that don't count, she's winning.
As you know, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now arguing over who has received the most overall votes during the primaries. Hillary's people have one way of counting, the popular vote, and Barack's people have another way of counting. I'm beginning to understand why the Democrats keep blowing all these elections — they haven't figured out how to count votes.
China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Exhausted
10. Spends most of her time campaigning in Sleepy's mattress stores
9. Barely has enough energy to lie about battling Bosnian snipers
8. Last night, spent 2 hours debating a coat rack
7. Agreed not to dispute Florida and Michigan delegates in exchange for a nap
6. Announced a new tax break for kitties
5. Greeted Philadelphia voters with, "It's great to be back in Tacoma!"
4. She's mismatching her pantsuits
3. When asked how she'd fight terrorism, she said, "Two words: Iron Man"
2. 3 a.m. phone call? "Let the machine get it"
1. So tired, she actually crawled in to bed with Bill
David Letterman
What a beautiful day. It’s 75 and sunny . . . like Cathy Lee Gifford.
So beautiful, the Statue of Liberty was holding a bottle of Corona.
So beautiful, Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named June.
This just in: Barack Obama was cleaning out his campaign headquarters in Pennsylvania, and he found a buried Ralph Nader jersey.
Conan O'Brien
After the Pennsylvania primary, Barack Obama has resigned himself for a long, drawn-out battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah . . . join the club.”
Barack Obama said he needs to attract older voters, and he said he’s going to work hard to prove he understands them. Today, he ate dinner at 3 in the afternoon.
It’s been reported that President Bush was so impressed with the Pope’s visit to Washington, that after he leaves office, Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, “I’d convert now, but Dick Cheney gets freaked out if you get any where near him with a cross.”
Paris Hilton in going to star in a new reality show where she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie. So far the front-runner to replace Nicole is a No. 2 pencil.
Craig Ferguson
Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”
“You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”
Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .
Allegedly, Barbra doesn’t allow her employees to make eye contact with her. Here, it’s the other way around. My employees don’t allow me to make eye contact with them.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today was Take Your Child to Work Day, or as they say in China, Thursday.
It’s a great day to show your child how miserable they will be.
Take Your Child to Work Day should be sponsored by Zoloft.
