Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire.
Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?
Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she landed under gun fire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gun fire on a trip to L.A.
She now admits there weren’t any snipers. And today Bill Clinton said, “Hey, if I would have known there weren’t any snipers, I would not have sent her there in the first place.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten U.S. Airways Excuses
10. Thought it would be fun to shoot empty liquor bottles
9. Air traffic controller's "Clear to land" misheard as "Squeeze off a round"
8. Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot's gun doesn't go off
7. Pilot thought he saw one of them "Cloverfield" Godzillas — Buy "Cloverfield" on DVD April 22nd
6. Oh, like you've never fired a weapon onboard a passenger plane before
5. Don't worry — His parole officer was in the cockpit
4. Chillax, bro
3. This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane — Did you see it coming folks?
2. If you didn't want gunplay, maybe you should have flown United
1. Pilot distraught after picking Duke to win it all
David Letterman
What a beautiful day here in New York City. Such a beautiful day, that new governor, David Paterson? He was using drugs in the park.
You can tell it’s spring because that governor and his wife had a foursome with Ben & Jerry.
Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month.
She goes through husbands like New York goes through mayors.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of “Jingle all the Way.” Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?”
Crazy if Hillary’s campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain.
Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama’s campaign is all about hope — hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire.
Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?
Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she landed under gun fire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gun fire on a trip to L.A.
She now admits there weren’t any snipers. And today Bill Clinton said, “Hey, if I would have known there weren’t any snipers, I would not have sent her there in the first place.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten U.S. Airways Excuses
10. Thought it would be fun to shoot empty liquor bottles
9. Air traffic controller's "Clear to land" misheard as "Squeeze off a round"
8. Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot's gun doesn't go off
7. Pilot thought he saw one of them "Cloverfield" Godzillas — Buy "Cloverfield" on DVD April 22nd
6. Oh, like you've never fired a weapon onboard a passenger plane before
5. Don't worry — His parole officer was in the cockpit
4. Chillax, bro
3. This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane — Did you see it coming folks?
2. If you didn't want gunplay, maybe you should have flown United
1. Pilot distraught after picking Duke to win it all
David Letterman
What a beautiful day here in New York City. Such a beautiful day, that new governor, David Paterson? He was using drugs in the park.
You can tell it’s spring because that governor and his wife had a foursome with Ben & Jerry.
Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month.
She goes through husbands like New York goes through mayors.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of “Jingle all the Way.” Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?”
Crazy if Hillary’s campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain.
Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama’s campaign is all about hope — hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble.
