Thursday, March 27, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time.
Hillary now says she just made an honest mistake . . . there was no hostile fire of any kind. Ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action.
Is this a big deal? All candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? He had to retract a claim that he was under cannon fire from the Confederates.
Hillary also said she went to 80 countries. Turns out she only wanted to go to one country, but she booked it with PriceLine.com and had to fly through all of them.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball
10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman
David Letterman
It was so nice in New York City today, that thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its coat.
Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden. They have a contortionist that’s so good, Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink.
I want to clarify something: The Ringling Bros. is a three-ring circus. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey is a three-way circus.
I don’t think I’m going to the circus this year; if I want to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I’ll go to a Knicks game.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Robin Williams. His wife is filing for divorce. According to the paper, the cause for his divorce is every film he’s done since 1997.
Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper’s parachute. He’s wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called the kids; he wants his pants back.
D.B. Cooper is the only criminal to get away by jumping from a plane. I want to sky dive. Sky diving is good for finding out what you’d look like with a facelift.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time.
Hillary now says she just made an honest mistake . . . there was no hostile fire of any kind. Ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action.
Is this a big deal? All candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? He had to retract a claim that he was under cannon fire from the Confederates.
Hillary also said she went to 80 countries. Turns out she only wanted to go to one country, but she booked it with PriceLine.com and had to fly through all of them.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball
10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman
David Letterman
It was so nice in New York City today, that thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its coat.
Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden. They have a contortionist that’s so good, Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink.
I want to clarify something: The Ringling Bros. is a three-ring circus. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey is a three-way circus.
I don’t think I’m going to the circus this year; if I want to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I’ll go to a Knicks game.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Robin Williams. His wife is filing for divorce. According to the paper, the cause for his divorce is every film he’s done since 1997.
Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper’s parachute. He’s wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called the kids; he wants his pants back.
D.B. Cooper is the only criminal to get away by jumping from a plane. I want to sky dive. Sky diving is good for finding out what you’d look like with a facelift.
