Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone’s wearing green today. You know where you’re not seeing any green? Wall Street.
Why does everybody dye food green? Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels . . . we won’t eat any real food that’s green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce — but dye a Cinnabon green . . .
What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.
Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade
10. "Is that green beer or New York City tap water?"
9. "50,000 people. 200,000 beers. One bathroom"
8. "Put your shirt on, Mr. McGreevey — this isn't the Gay Pride Parade"
7. "When are they going to clean up the garbage from New Year's Eve?"
6. "Some guy just tried to sell me a bag of primo Mexican 'four leaf clover'"
5. "Larry!!!"
4. "Wanna grab a beer at O'sama's?"
3. "No number 3 — writer out drinking"
2. "Letterman's wearing his green hairpiece"
1. "That's not a leprechaun, it's Mayor Bloomberg"
David Letterman
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Tomorrow, of course, is Let’s Join AA Day.
Up in Albany today, women were wearing buttons that say, Kiss Me I’m $4,000.
They were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in Washington. President Bush was so confused. He came out onto the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef.
Tragedy today. Mayor Bloomberg was in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and he was hit by a jumping stock broker.
Conan O'Brien
We had our famous St. Patrick’s Day parade today. It started out on 44th Street and ended up in rehab.
Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack Obama.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate.
Craig Ferguson
Did you hear? A bar in New York City has banned the song “Danny Boy.” On St. Patrick’s Day! Isn’t that outrageous? It’s like West Hollywood banning the song “It’s Raining Men.”
The new governor of New York is blind, which is a big improvement. If he’s ever caught with a prostitute, he can say “I thought it was my wife.”
By now, we all know what happened to Eliot Spitzer, the old governor of New York. Last week he was caught with a high-class call-girl. I am not sure what makes a call-girl high-class. I think they use an English accent when they spank you.
Jay Leno
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone’s wearing green today. You know where you’re not seeing any green? Wall Street.
Why does everybody dye food green? Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels . . . we won’t eat any real food that’s green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce — but dye a Cinnabon green . . .
What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.
Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade
10. "Is that green beer or New York City tap water?"
9. "50,000 people. 200,000 beers. One bathroom"
8. "Put your shirt on, Mr. McGreevey — this isn't the Gay Pride Parade"
7. "When are they going to clean up the garbage from New Year's Eve?"
6. "Some guy just tried to sell me a bag of primo Mexican 'four leaf clover'"
5. "Larry!!!"
4. "Wanna grab a beer at O'sama's?"
3. "No number 3 — writer out drinking"
2. "Letterman's wearing his green hairpiece"
1. "That's not a leprechaun, it's Mayor Bloomberg"
David Letterman
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Tomorrow, of course, is Let’s Join AA Day.
Up in Albany today, women were wearing buttons that say, Kiss Me I’m $4,000.
They were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in Washington. President Bush was so confused. He came out onto the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef.
Tragedy today. Mayor Bloomberg was in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and he was hit by a jumping stock broker.
Conan O'Brien
We had our famous St. Patrick’s Day parade today. It started out on 44th Street and ended up in rehab.
Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack Obama.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate.
Craig Ferguson
Did you hear? A bar in New York City has banned the song “Danny Boy.” On St. Patrick’s Day! Isn’t that outrageous? It’s like West Hollywood banning the song “It’s Raining Men.”
The new governor of New York is blind, which is a big improvement. If he’s ever caught with a prostitute, he can say “I thought it was my wife.”
By now, we all know what happened to Eliot Spitzer, the old governor of New York. Last week he was caught with a high-class call-girl. I am not sure what makes a call-girl high-class. I think they use an English accent when they spank you.
