Thursday, March 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the concept of the early bird special.
Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq. He told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show progress on both the domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, “Uh . . . you first.”
Today marks the five year anniversary of the war in Iraq. President Bush says his decision to invade was remarkably effective. Bush also went on to say that Bear Sterns is just going through tough times, with victory just around the corner.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To Watch The New Season Of "Battlestar Galactica"
10. "In the dramatic season opening episode, we save 15 percent by switching our insurance to Geico"
9. "You'll find out what's in the hatch and who gets off the island — crap, wrong show"
8. "My character creates a line of "Honey Roasted Space Nuts"
7. "What else are you gonna do, read a book?"
6. "There's a good chance you'll see me naked"
5. "There's a good chance you'll see me naked"
4. "New FTL drives will allow the Colonial fleet to better adjust to gravitational variations and achieve maximum superluminal travel to outrun the pursuing Cylon basestars — I don't know what the hell I'm talking about"
3. "We engage in a life-and-death battle against evil robots . . . You know, same s*** as last year"
2. "I take on the most challenging task of my political career -- doing a lame Top Ten list on a third rate talk show
1. "Watch me lead us into war against the Cylons without an exit strategy"
David Letterman
Here’s a sure sign spring is around the corner: Donald Trump evicted a family of robins out of his hair.
Gotta pay your income tax. My accountant wants me to move the show to the Cayman Islands.
John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush’s Iraq policy. And I say “Sure. Slice me eight more years of that.”
I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy who’s a regular at the paint store.
Conan O'Brien
Today it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer’s call girl appeared in a “Girls Gone Wild” video when she was a teen. When asked about it, she said, “That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.”
It’s now being reported that the former governor of New Jersey took part in threesomes involving his wife and his chauffer. It’s your move, Spitzer.
A threesome in New Jersey is known as mullet on mullet on mullet action.
According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks.
Jay Leno
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the concept of the early bird special.
Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq. He told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show progress on both the domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, “Uh . . . you first.”
Today marks the five year anniversary of the war in Iraq. President Bush says his decision to invade was remarkably effective. Bush also went on to say that Bear Sterns is just going through tough times, with victory just around the corner.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To Watch The New Season Of "Battlestar Galactica"
10. "In the dramatic season opening episode, we save 15 percent by switching our insurance to Geico"
9. "You'll find out what's in the hatch and who gets off the island — crap, wrong show"
8. "My character creates a line of "Honey Roasted Space Nuts"
7. "What else are you gonna do, read a book?"
6. "There's a good chance you'll see me naked"
5. "There's a good chance you'll see me naked"
4. "New FTL drives will allow the Colonial fleet to better adjust to gravitational variations and achieve maximum superluminal travel to outrun the pursuing Cylon basestars — I don't know what the hell I'm talking about"
3. "We engage in a life-and-death battle against evil robots . . . You know, same s*** as last year"
2. "I take on the most challenging task of my political career -- doing a lame Top Ten list on a third rate talk show
1. "Watch me lead us into war against the Cylons without an exit strategy"
David Letterman
Here’s a sure sign spring is around the corner: Donald Trump evicted a family of robins out of his hair.
Gotta pay your income tax. My accountant wants me to move the show to the Cayman Islands.
John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush’s Iraq policy. And I say “Sure. Slice me eight more years of that.”
I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy who’s a regular at the paint store.
Conan O'Brien
Today it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer’s call girl appeared in a “Girls Gone Wild” video when she was a teen. When asked about it, she said, “That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.”
It’s now being reported that the former governor of New Jersey took part in threesomes involving his wife and his chauffer. It’s your move, Spitzer.
A threesome in New Jersey is known as mullet on mullet on mullet action.
According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks.
