Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said, “Independence? But we haven’t even invaded them yet.”
President Bush is in Africa this week. Again, I don’t really think he understands the African nation. Today, he was asked if he was looking forward to seeing Rwanda and he said, “You mean my secretary of state?” “No, that’s Condoleezza . . . Rwanda's a country."
The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that’s every parent’s worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night.
More bad news for Roger Clemens. Doctors keep finding more and more side effects from taking steroids. Now it turns out if you take them you may have trouble telling the truth.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring
10. He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on "General Hospital"
9. Achieved his goal of getting Cuba's unemployment rate under 83%
8. Wants to spend more time interrogating his family
7. Just got Season One of "Gilmore Girls"
6. Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro
5. Too many tacos
4. He was adopted by Angelina Jolie — honestly, how crazy would that be?
3. Always promised himself he'd quit torturing when it stopped being fun
2. Jane Fonda called him a . . .
1. 49 years at the same job? Who am I, Letterman?
David Letterman
I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka.
Yesterday, Andy Pettitte apologized for using growth hormone. Nothing yet from Jane Fonda.
Hillary Clinton is desperate to win in Wisconsin. Today, she was campaigning wearing a cheese pantsuit.
The pressure is getting to the Clintons. Today, Bill got into a screaming match with a cow.
Conan O'Brien
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s going to retire in Miami.
President Bush is in Africa. Yesterday he was reading to students from “The Cat in the Hat.” There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, “Sir, this is a college.”
Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. Which makes sense, because "BaRocky Road" is a much catchier name than "Pantsuits & Cream."
The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela’s 90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, “No thanks — I’d rather go back to prison.”
Craig Ferguson
About time Castro retired. He is almost 81 years old — that is the same age as John McCain.
Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is the man who blocked the Internet in his own country.
He has a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — “Current mood: Evil.”
Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family for years and years and years? That could never happen here . . .
Jay Leno
Congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said, “Independence? But we haven’t even invaded them yet.”
President Bush is in Africa this week. Again, I don’t really think he understands the African nation. Today, he was asked if he was looking forward to seeing Rwanda and he said, “You mean my secretary of state?” “No, that’s Condoleezza . . . Rwanda's a country."
The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that’s every parent’s worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night.
More bad news for Roger Clemens. Doctors keep finding more and more side effects from taking steroids. Now it turns out if you take them you may have trouble telling the truth.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring
10. He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on "General Hospital"
9. Achieved his goal of getting Cuba's unemployment rate under 83%
8. Wants to spend more time interrogating his family
7. Just got Season One of "Gilmore Girls"
6. Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro
5. Too many tacos
4. He was adopted by Angelina Jolie — honestly, how crazy would that be?
3. Always promised himself he'd quit torturing when it stopped being fun
2. Jane Fonda called him a . . .
1. 49 years at the same job? Who am I, Letterman?
David Letterman
I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka.
Yesterday, Andy Pettitte apologized for using growth hormone. Nothing yet from Jane Fonda.
Hillary Clinton is desperate to win in Wisconsin. Today, she was campaigning wearing a cheese pantsuit.
The pressure is getting to the Clintons. Today, Bill got into a screaming match with a cow.
Conan O'Brien
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s going to retire in Miami.
President Bush is in Africa. Yesterday he was reading to students from “The Cat in the Hat.” There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, “Sir, this is a college.”
Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. Which makes sense, because "BaRocky Road" is a much catchier name than "Pantsuits & Cream."
The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela’s 90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, “No thanks — I’d rather go back to prison.”
Craig Ferguson
About time Castro retired. He is almost 81 years old — that is the same age as John McCain.
Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is the man who blocked the Internet in his own country.
He has a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — “Current mood: Evil.”
Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family for years and years and years? That could never happen here . . .
