Thursday, February 21, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Black History Month! And if Barack Obama keeps winning, Hillary could be history.
Barack Obama won two more states. That makes 10 in a row. I think the only way Hillary’s going to get into the White House now is if she uses that tunnel Bill dug to sneak out.
If she loses one more, she’s going to be signed by the L.A. Clippers.
This week on TV, John McCain said, “No new taxes.” You know who else said that . . . Wesley Snipes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Martha Stewart And Emeril Lagasse Dinner Party Tips
10. Now thanks to Dominos 2-pizza deal, I can host a full blown dinner for 14 bucks
9. Run out of cream? In a pinch you can substitute Martha Stewart's white semi-gloss paint
8. Before cooking, lick poultry to make sure it doesn't taste "Salmonella-y"
7. Keep Regis away from the cooking sherry
6. Bam! Sorry, I always had wanted to do that
5. An apron is a great substitute for pants
4. For plump and juicy meats, inject that stuff Roger Clemens uses
3. Wait until dishes have been cleared before telling guests, "You just ate monkey"
2. Never let Jane Fonda make a toast
1. Whatever you do, don't invite Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They’re really nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps.
Last week in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit.
There’s already trouble down there in Texas. Bill got into a shouting match with an oil well.
Hillary is worried that Bill will wander off in Texas, so today she had him branded and gelded.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
More good news for Barack Obama. Yesterday, Barack Obama won the Wisconsin primary. This makes Obama the first black man to win a primary in Wisconsin, and the first black man to go to Wisconsin.
More bad news for Hillary Clinton. Yesterday, the founders of Ben & Jerry’s announced they are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. They decided not to endorse Hillary after they realized nobody would buy a flavor called Nutbuster Crunch.
This is weird: The band Abba is upset with John McCain. The band wants John McCain to stop using their song on his campaign route. When asked about it, John McCain said, “Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into the Bee Gees.”
Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for Hillary Clinton. She was crushed last night in Wisconsin and Hawaii. Hillary is so desperate, last night she told Bill she’d sleep with him to get his vote.
Hillary says Barack Obama is all about words, not action. But if the Clintons are back are in White House, there will be a whole lot of action going on.
Steven Spielberg pulled out of the Beijing Olympics. He wasn’t competing or anything . . . he was the artistic adviser. He quit because of China’s poor record on human rights. Chinese officials were so upset they couldn’t torture anyone all week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I want to announce that I am not part of the 143 million pounds of recalled meat.
The FDA has ruled that I am both safe and delicious to eat.
President Bush is going to blow up that defective spy satellite. His plan is to blow up one a month until he leaves office.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Black History Month! And if Barack Obama keeps winning, Hillary could be history.
Barack Obama won two more states. That makes 10 in a row. I think the only way Hillary’s going to get into the White House now is if she uses that tunnel Bill dug to sneak out.
If she loses one more, she’s going to be signed by the L.A. Clippers.
This week on TV, John McCain said, “No new taxes.” You know who else said that . . . Wesley Snipes.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Martha Stewart And Emeril Lagasse Dinner Party Tips
10. Now thanks to Dominos 2-pizza deal, I can host a full blown dinner for 14 bucks
9. Run out of cream? In a pinch you can substitute Martha Stewart's white semi-gloss paint
8. Before cooking, lick poultry to make sure it doesn't taste "Salmonella-y"
7. Keep Regis away from the cooking sherry
6. Bam! Sorry, I always had wanted to do that
5. An apron is a great substitute for pants
4. For plump and juicy meats, inject that stuff Roger Clemens uses
3. Wait until dishes have been cleared before telling guests, "You just ate monkey"
2. Never let Jane Fonda make a toast
1. Whatever you do, don't invite Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They’re really nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps.
Last week in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit.
There’s already trouble down there in Texas. Bill got into a shouting match with an oil well.
Hillary is worried that Bill will wander off in Texas, so today she had him branded and gelded.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
More good news for Barack Obama. Yesterday, Barack Obama won the Wisconsin primary. This makes Obama the first black man to win a primary in Wisconsin, and the first black man to go to Wisconsin.
More bad news for Hillary Clinton. Yesterday, the founders of Ben & Jerry’s announced they are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. They decided not to endorse Hillary after they realized nobody would buy a flavor called Nutbuster Crunch.
This is weird: The band Abba is upset with John McCain. The band wants John McCain to stop using their song on his campaign route. When asked about it, John McCain said, “Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into the Bee Gees.”
Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for Hillary Clinton. She was crushed last night in Wisconsin and Hawaii. Hillary is so desperate, last night she told Bill she’d sleep with him to get his vote.
Hillary says Barack Obama is all about words, not action. But if the Clintons are back are in White House, there will be a whole lot of action going on.
Steven Spielberg pulled out of the Beijing Olympics. He wasn’t competing or anything . . . he was the artistic adviser. He quit because of China’s poor record on human rights. Chinese officials were so upset they couldn’t torture anyone all week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I want to announce that I am not part of the 143 million pounds of recalled meat.
The FDA has ruled that I am both safe and delicious to eat.
President Bush is going to blow up that defective spy satellite. His plan is to blow up one a month until he leaves office.
