Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The ratings are in: This year’s Oscars had the lowest ratings ever. In fact, they were so low, the winners were able to thank the people who watched by name.
They were so low, NBC may pick it up as a series.
Former candidate Chris Dodd has given his support for Barack Obama. You know what that means: Dozens more people will now vote for Obama.
Political experts are now saying it is impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill, except of course, Bill: “Stay out there, Honey. Keep fighting!”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ralph Nader Campaign Promises
10. Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes
9. Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau quality
8. The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis
7. Get those people off that island in "Lost"
6. Send Gary Busey in to annoy and confuse our enemies
5. Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary
4. Will hover in polls between 1% and "Statistically Insignificant
3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small," "Medium," and "Large"
3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small
2. Will not sleep with lobbyists, or for that matter anyone else
1. Get Bush re-elected like in 2000
David Letterman
What a story. Diablo Cody was a former stripper. She won an Academy Award for best screenplay. And today, on my lunch hour, I go into Flashdancers right across the street, and all of the girls were writing screenplays on their laptops.
These may be the lowest ratings for the Academy Awards ever. They won’t know until the show ends.
Here’s some champagne excitement: Ralph Nader is running for president.
Ralph Nader looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Experts are calling it “redundant," "unnecessary," and "the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland."
Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. As a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in "Big Momma's House III."
Ralph Nader announced that he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running because he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the “no chance in hell” vote.
Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he would like Will Smith to play him. And Hillary said she would want an older woman who looks good in a pantsuit. So obviously she’s picked John Travolta.
According to a new poll, Hillary’s lead in Ohio is slipping, and I was really surprised by that. When I heard a presidential candidate slipped, I thought — that is John McCain, obviously.
For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still. Starbucks in America closed for three hours today — every one in America! Starbucks says the training will “transform the customer experience.” You know what they should do if they want to transform the customer experience? How about not charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed. It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
Fortunately, President Bush gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino reserve.
They closed the store to retrain the staff on the use of expresso machines. What happened?
Starbucks released a statement that said, “We are understand that many of our loyal customers will be inconvenienced by the closings, but since they are all addicted to our products, we don’t care.”
Jay Leno
The ratings are in: This year’s Oscars had the lowest ratings ever. In fact, they were so low, the winners were able to thank the people who watched by name.
They were so low, NBC may pick it up as a series.
Former candidate Chris Dodd has given his support for Barack Obama. You know what that means: Dozens more people will now vote for Obama.
Political experts are now saying it is impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill, except of course, Bill: “Stay out there, Honey. Keep fighting!”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ralph Nader Campaign Promises
10. Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes
9. Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau quality
8. The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis
7. Get those people off that island in "Lost"
6. Send Gary Busey in to annoy and confuse our enemies
5. Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary
4. Will hover in polls between 1% and "Statistically Insignificant
3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small," "Medium," and "Large"
3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small
2. Will not sleep with lobbyists, or for that matter anyone else
1. Get Bush re-elected like in 2000
David Letterman
What a story. Diablo Cody was a former stripper. She won an Academy Award for best screenplay. And today, on my lunch hour, I go into Flashdancers right across the street, and all of the girls were writing screenplays on their laptops.
These may be the lowest ratings for the Academy Awards ever. They won’t know until the show ends.
Here’s some champagne excitement: Ralph Nader is running for president.
Ralph Nader looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Experts are calling it “redundant," "unnecessary," and "the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland."
Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. As a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in "Big Momma's House III."
Ralph Nader announced that he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running because he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the “no chance in hell” vote.
Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he would like Will Smith to play him. And Hillary said she would want an older woman who looks good in a pantsuit. So obviously she’s picked John Travolta.
According to a new poll, Hillary’s lead in Ohio is slipping, and I was really surprised by that. When I heard a presidential candidate slipped, I thought — that is John McCain, obviously.
For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still. Starbucks in America closed for three hours today — every one in America! Starbucks says the training will “transform the customer experience.” You know what they should do if they want to transform the customer experience? How about not charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed. It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
Fortunately, President Bush gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino reserve.
They closed the store to retrain the staff on the use of expresso machines. What happened?
Starbucks released a statement that said, “We are understand that many of our loyal customers will be inconvenienced by the closings, but since they are all addicted to our products, we don’t care.”
