Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit.
In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan? “It’s me again.”
You know who is thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain, he’s not the oldest guy anymore.
Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards
10. "I'm pretty sure Jack Nicholson is asleep under those sunglasses"
9. "Another refill, Mr. Busey?"
8. "The award for sound mixing . . . finally"
7. "Somebody tell Michael Moore the buffet is for after the show"
6. "Only four more hours? Man, this thing is flying"
5. "Damn, I have 'The Hottie And The Nottie' in my Academy Awards pool"
4. "Eddie Brill says there were too many foreigners in the audience"
3. "No Number 3 — writer still watching Academy Awards"
2. "No, Ms. Fonda, It's 'No Country For Old Men'"
1. "Why can't more Academy Award winners be strippers?"
David Letterman
This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards.
The show was very long. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that is 4 ½ hours long to give out an award for editing.
The thing was so long I thought I was hosting.
Elton John had a party afterwards. Jack Nicholson was there and so was Jack Black. It was a pretty good hand: two jacks and a queen.
Conan O'Brien
I stayed up and watched the Oscars last night. Javier Bardem delivered part of his acceptance speech in Spanish. He said he did that because he wanted everyone in California to understand him.
According to the Nielsen ratings, this year’s Oscars may be the lowest ever. Apparently, America isn’t as gay as it used to be.
The Oscar for Best Screen Play was won by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody is a former stripper. That’s her real name. Her stripper name was Ann Patterson.
Things getting nasty between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama in a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit.
Craig Ferguson
Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope.
And these people are called Republicans.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. They’ve circulated pictures of Obama wearing Somali tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I didn’t go to any Oscar parties last night. I’m not into the Hollywood scene, especially with the whole “not being invited to any of them” thing.
I played it cool and stayed at home.
Our security guard Veatrice had an Oscar party though. It’s still going on.
There was a lot of weirdness last night. Gary Busey accosted Jennifer Garner last night. I’m glad she finally found somebody.
Jay Leno
Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit.
In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan? “It’s me again.”
You know who is thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain, he’s not the oldest guy anymore.
Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards
10. "I'm pretty sure Jack Nicholson is asleep under those sunglasses"
9. "Another refill, Mr. Busey?"
8. "The award for sound mixing . . . finally"
7. "Somebody tell Michael Moore the buffet is for after the show"
6. "Only four more hours? Man, this thing is flying"
5. "Damn, I have 'The Hottie And The Nottie' in my Academy Awards pool"
4. "Eddie Brill says there were too many foreigners in the audience"
3. "No Number 3 — writer still watching Academy Awards"
2. "No, Ms. Fonda, It's 'No Country For Old Men'"
1. "Why can't more Academy Award winners be strippers?"
David Letterman
This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards.
The show was very long. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that is 4 ½ hours long to give out an award for editing.
The thing was so long I thought I was hosting.
Elton John had a party afterwards. Jack Nicholson was there and so was Jack Black. It was a pretty good hand: two jacks and a queen.
Conan O'Brien
I stayed up and watched the Oscars last night. Javier Bardem delivered part of his acceptance speech in Spanish. He said he did that because he wanted everyone in California to understand him.
According to the Nielsen ratings, this year’s Oscars may be the lowest ever. Apparently, America isn’t as gay as it used to be.
The Oscar for Best Screen Play was won by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody is a former stripper. That’s her real name. Her stripper name was Ann Patterson.
Things getting nasty between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama in a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit.
Craig Ferguson
Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope.
And these people are called Republicans.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. They’ve circulated pictures of Obama wearing Somali tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I didn’t go to any Oscar parties last night. I’m not into the Hollywood scene, especially with the whole “not being invited to any of them” thing.
I played it cool and stayed at home.
Our security guard Veatrice had an Oscar party though. It’s still going on.
There was a lot of weirdness last night. Gary Busey accosted Jennifer Garner last night. I’m glad she finally found somebody.
