Saturday, February 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Now that he’s the Republican front-runner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He’s now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases. Like if you’re editor of The New York Times.
I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now — The New York Times alleges that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since “Matlock” was canceled.
They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse!
The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Be Winning An Academy Award
10. It's 90 minutes of credits
9. Plot involves Matthew McConaughey's death-defying quest to find a shirt
8. It was directed by Steven Spielbaum
7. Awkward 20-minute part where actor has hiccoughs
6. To save money on special effects, film's monsters are stunt guys in green ping pong ball covered leotards
5. During movie, you hear sound guy grumble, "Oh, come on"
4. No number 4 — writer still stuck on Jet Blue flight — still a reference, people
3. Only honor it received was "Most Graphic Depiction of Raccoon Sex"
2. There's never been a Best Picture with "Hottie" or "Nottie" in the title
1. It was rated H.C.T.S. for "Holy Crap, This Sucks"
David Letterman
Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, stomach pains, and sexual dysfunction.
Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue. You sit there for six hours hoping it will take off.
The statue, the Oscar, is 13 ½ inches tall, weighs 8 ½ pounds, and . . . no, that’s Tom Cruise.
Conan O'Brien
Sen. Hillary Clinton has once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from another politician. Hillary said, “Plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating.”
Sen. John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain’s house sometime between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m.
This week, footage surfaced of Sen. Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy’s head and said, “Look — the piñata is singing!”
The Pentagon says it successfully shot down an old satellite over the Pacific Ocean. According to the Pentagon, this is the largest object to be shot down since Star Jones was fired by “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
This week: Obama won, Hillary lost, and John McCain showed us he’s not as old as we thought.
He showed us he can still show a lady a good time . . . as long as he’s in bed by 8 o’clock.
Kirstie Alley is starting her own weight-loss company. Here’s how it works: You send her 30 bucks, and she comes to your house and stands next to you.
It’s the Oscars! The Oscars is like a gay Super Bowl, without Eli Manning. It’s just the manning.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sunday is the Academy Awards. None of us were invited.
A great story about Aston Kucher’s birthday party. Apparently, a bar tender who worked at the party tested positive for hepatitis A, which is extremely contagious, and there were a ton of celebrities there . . . Demi Moore, Madonna, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, Javier Bardem, who’s nominated for Best-Supporting Actor . . . all could have hepatitis A, which is now like the coolest thing, like the Kabbalah bracelets.
Since Javier Bardem is going to be at the Oscars, he could wind up exposing everyone at the Oscars. You have to hand it to that Ashton Kutcher . . . he’s always finding new ways to screw with famous people.
Don’t think of it as a debilitating liver disease, think of it as a Punk’d that lasts a lifetime.
Jay Leno
Now that he’s the Republican front-runner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He’s now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases. Like if you’re editor of The New York Times.
I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now — The New York Times alleges that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since “Matlock” was canceled.
They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse!
The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Be Winning An Academy Award
10. It's 90 minutes of credits
9. Plot involves Matthew McConaughey's death-defying quest to find a shirt
8. It was directed by Steven Spielbaum
7. Awkward 20-minute part where actor has hiccoughs
6. To save money on special effects, film's monsters are stunt guys in green ping pong ball covered leotards
5. During movie, you hear sound guy grumble, "Oh, come on"
4. No number 4 — writer still stuck on Jet Blue flight — still a reference, people
3. Only honor it received was "Most Graphic Depiction of Raccoon Sex"
2. There's never been a Best Picture with "Hottie" or "Nottie" in the title
1. It was rated H.C.T.S. for "Holy Crap, This Sucks"
David Letterman
Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, stomach pains, and sexual dysfunction.
Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue. You sit there for six hours hoping it will take off.
The statue, the Oscar, is 13 ½ inches tall, weighs 8 ½ pounds, and . . . no, that’s Tom Cruise.
Conan O'Brien
Sen. Hillary Clinton has once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from another politician. Hillary said, “Plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating.”
Sen. John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain’s house sometime between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m.
This week, footage surfaced of Sen. Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy’s head and said, “Look — the piñata is singing!”
The Pentagon says it successfully shot down an old satellite over the Pacific Ocean. According to the Pentagon, this is the largest object to be shot down since Star Jones was fired by “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
This week: Obama won, Hillary lost, and John McCain showed us he’s not as old as we thought.
He showed us he can still show a lady a good time . . . as long as he’s in bed by 8 o’clock.
Kirstie Alley is starting her own weight-loss company. Here’s how it works: You send her 30 bucks, and she comes to your house and stands next to you.
It’s the Oscars! The Oscars is like a gay Super Bowl, without Eli Manning. It’s just the manning.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sunday is the Academy Awards. None of us were invited.
A great story about Aston Kucher’s birthday party. Apparently, a bar tender who worked at the party tested positive for hepatitis A, which is extremely contagious, and there were a ton of celebrities there . . . Demi Moore, Madonna, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, Javier Bardem, who’s nominated for Best-Supporting Actor . . . all could have hepatitis A, which is now like the coolest thing, like the Kabbalah bracelets.
Since Javier Bardem is going to be at the Oscars, he could wind up exposing everyone at the Oscars. You have to hand it to that Ashton Kutcher . . . he’s always finding new ways to screw with famous people.
Don’t think of it as a debilitating liver disease, think of it as a Punk’d that lasts a lifetime.
