Thursday, February 14, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her.
Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.
As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.
Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort — when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be.
David Letterman
Lot of rain today. So rainy, Amy Winehouse’s hair jumped up and shook itself dry.
How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit.
How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb.
Conan O'Brien
Big news for us, the writers' strike is finally over. While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers' strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he’s in favor of a readers' strike.
Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."
After John McCain swept yesterday’s primaries, he purposely stole a line Barack Obama’s been using: "I’m fired up and ready to go." When Obama heard this, he stole a line McCain’s been using: "I’m old and not sure where I am."
This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, “It’s weird, my tacos usually don’t attack me until I’m in the bathroom.”
Craig Ferguson
There is a massive winter storm over in New York. How cold is it? Donald Trump is taking precautions; he is wearing three toupees.
The Westminster Dog Show was on TV last night. I thought it was on last week, but then I realized no I was watching “Sex and the City.”
Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The writers’ strike is over! I’m just excited to get new episodes of “Army Wives” back.
Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress today, to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn’t; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both.
I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings since the last time Oliver North showed up wearing a banana hammock.
They’re very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff.
Jay Leno
Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her.
Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.
As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.
Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort — when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be.
David Letterman
Lot of rain today. So rainy, Amy Winehouse’s hair jumped up and shook itself dry.
How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit.
How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb.
Conan O'Brien
Big news for us, the writers' strike is finally over. While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers' strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he’s in favor of a readers' strike.
Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."
After John McCain swept yesterday’s primaries, he purposely stole a line Barack Obama’s been using: "I’m fired up and ready to go." When Obama heard this, he stole a line McCain’s been using: "I’m old and not sure where I am."
This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, “It’s weird, my tacos usually don’t attack me until I’m in the bathroom.”
Craig Ferguson
There is a massive winter storm over in New York. How cold is it? Donald Trump is taking precautions; he is wearing three toupees.
The Westminster Dog Show was on TV last night. I thought it was on last week, but then I realized no I was watching “Sex and the City.”
Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The writers’ strike is over! I’m just excited to get new episodes of “Army Wives” back.
Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress today, to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn’t; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both.
I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings since the last time Oliver North showed up wearing a banana hammock.
They’re very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff.
