Friday, February 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.
This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.
Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team — all 12 million of them.
Bad news for Roger Clemens. Today he tested positive for B.S.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jane Fonda Excuses
10. It was nickel beer day at IHOP
9. Seemed like something people would want to hear first thing in the morning
8. Katie Couric used to say it all the time
7. It's not such a bad word when you think about it
6. Roker likes it when I talk dirty
5. It was today's entry on my Word-of-the-Day calendar
4. Too many years listening to Ted Turner
3. Ain't been right since injection from Roger Clemens' trainer
2. That pinhead Lauer dared me
1. Trying to be romantic on Valentine's Day
David Letterman
It’s Valentine’s Day. Here’s what I do on Valentine’s Day. I have my assistant send me a big box of candy so people don’t think I’m a loser.
A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, “Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?”
Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned “buttocks,” Sen. Larry Craig swooned.
Conan O'Brien
It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you’re watching this show right now, I guess things didn’t go very well.
During this past week, many people have been saying that Barack Obama has an edge over Hillary Clinton because of his wife Michelle. Actually, the only person saying that is Bill Clinton.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday and he condemned the show "The Sopranos" because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn’t true — New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad.
Earlier this week at the Westminster Dog Show, a dog named Uno became the first beagle ever to win Best In Show. To celebrate, the beagle says he plans to drink out of the toilet and party with some bitches.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . . . then he went home to Hillary.
Valentine’s Day started out as an ancient Roman fertility festival. What would happen is a young nobleman would charge through the street naked, striking people with a leather thong for good luck. It is like a party at Elton John’s house.
Valentines Day ads have been on for a month now. “Get her flowers; send her flowers; she really wants flowers. Flowers or you die. Flowers, flowers, flowers.” Every guy has his own flower strategy, but I prefer the single red rose. Simple, romantic, easy to steal from the cemetery.
Just make sure you rip off the note: “We miss you, Grandpa.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Valentine’s Day. Remember guys — the cheapest way to get flowers is still the cemetery.
President Bush has less than a year left in office. He’s trying to squeeze as many free trips as he can. Today he was in Africa.
He’s meeting with African leaders. Last time he refused to meet with anyone other than Babar the cartoon elephant.
Jay Leno
It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.
This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.
Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team — all 12 million of them.
Bad news for Roger Clemens. Today he tested positive for B.S.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jane Fonda Excuses
10. It was nickel beer day at IHOP
9. Seemed like something people would want to hear first thing in the morning
8. Katie Couric used to say it all the time
7. It's not such a bad word when you think about it
6. Roker likes it when I talk dirty
5. It was today's entry on my Word-of-the-Day calendar
4. Too many years listening to Ted Turner
3. Ain't been right since injection from Roger Clemens' trainer
2. That pinhead Lauer dared me
1. Trying to be romantic on Valentine's Day
David Letterman
It’s Valentine’s Day. Here’s what I do on Valentine’s Day. I have my assistant send me a big box of candy so people don’t think I’m a loser.
A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, “Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?”
Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned “buttocks,” Sen. Larry Craig swooned.
Conan O'Brien
It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you’re watching this show right now, I guess things didn’t go very well.
During this past week, many people have been saying that Barack Obama has an edge over Hillary Clinton because of his wife Michelle. Actually, the only person saying that is Bill Clinton.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday and he condemned the show "The Sopranos" because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn’t true — New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad.
Earlier this week at the Westminster Dog Show, a dog named Uno became the first beagle ever to win Best In Show. To celebrate, the beagle says he plans to drink out of the toilet and party with some bitches.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . . . then he went home to Hillary.
Valentine’s Day started out as an ancient Roman fertility festival. What would happen is a young nobleman would charge through the street naked, striking people with a leather thong for good luck. It is like a party at Elton John’s house.
Valentines Day ads have been on for a month now. “Get her flowers; send her flowers; she really wants flowers. Flowers or you die. Flowers, flowers, flowers.” Every guy has his own flower strategy, but I prefer the single red rose. Simple, romantic, easy to steal from the cemetery.
Just make sure you rip off the note: “We miss you, Grandpa.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Valentine’s Day. Remember guys — the cheapest way to get flowers is still the cemetery.
President Bush has less than a year left in office. He’s trying to squeeze as many free trips as he can. Today he was in Africa.
He’s meeting with African leaders. Last time he refused to meet with anyone other than Babar the cartoon elephant.
