Friday, February 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Here’s a crazy story. According to The New York Times, even though both of John McCain’s parents were American citizens and were serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a constitutional argument he can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country, he was born in Panama. Now they are questioning if Ralph Nader is eligible because it turns out that he doesn’t appear to be born on planet earth.
Sen. Larry Craig . . . you know, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast, is now seeking intern applications for the summer term. In fact, the first question he asks when you go in for the interview is, “You’re not a cop, are you?”
He’s looking for them on eHarmony.com. He wants all 29 dimensions of compatibility.
David Letterman
Cold here today. So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head? It mated it with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
So cold, that at the Metropolitan Museum, the mummy closed the lid.
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Conan O'Brien
Today, there were strange developments for John McCain. The New York Times reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, “That’s ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.”
Ralph Nader is running for president again. He announced that his running mate is going to be a former city supervisor of San Francisco, Matt Gonzales. This bold moves ensures that Nader gets the vote of . . . Matt Gonzales.
During a press conference today, President Bush said the following: “It’s important we make the economy strong so families can put money on their tables.” Then Bush said Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts.
Valerie Bertinelli in the news. She says the rumors aren’t true that she and Kirstie Alley have stopped speaking to each other. However, Bertinelli did admit that the rumors are true that no one cares.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for John McCain. It turns out he might not be able to run for president because he was born outside of America. I think this is unfair! When John McCain was born, America hadn’t been discovered yet.
Great day for Katie Holmes! Rumor has she is expecting again. She told a friend she expects to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet. She may be just talking about Tom Cruise.
Terrible news for Michael Jackson. News is he is filing bankruptcy, and he is being forced to sell Neverland Ranch. It’s too bad Michael has to sell the Neverland: It’s a huge estate that covers 2,800 acres; it has an amusement park; it can sleep up to 50 children uncomfortably . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Leap Day. They have Leap Day so we have one day longer to squeeze in another episode of “American Idol.”
Two men and two women were eliminated today. It’s up to you America to figure out which were the men and which were the women.
Another show everybody loves is “America’s Next Top Model.” They’re in their 10th season in 4 ½ years. It’s amazing.
Police in Los Angeles are looking into charges that someone may have drugged Britney Spears. They have a photo of the suspect. [Photo of Britney Spears.]
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Here’s a crazy story. According to The New York Times, even though both of John McCain’s parents were American citizens and were serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a constitutional argument he can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country, he was born in Panama. Now they are questioning if Ralph Nader is eligible because it turns out that he doesn’t appear to be born on planet earth.
Sen. Larry Craig . . . you know, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast, is now seeking intern applications for the summer term. In fact, the first question he asks when you go in for the interview is, “You’re not a cop, are you?”
He’s looking for them on eHarmony.com. He wants all 29 dimensions of compatibility.
David Letterman
Cold here today. So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head? It mated it with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
So cold, that at the Metropolitan Museum, the mummy closed the lid.
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Conan O'Brien
Today, there were strange developments for John McCain. The New York Times reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, “That’s ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.”
Ralph Nader is running for president again. He announced that his running mate is going to be a former city supervisor of San Francisco, Matt Gonzales. This bold moves ensures that Nader gets the vote of . . . Matt Gonzales.
During a press conference today, President Bush said the following: “It’s important we make the economy strong so families can put money on their tables.” Then Bush said Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts.
Valerie Bertinelli in the news. She says the rumors aren’t true that she and Kirstie Alley have stopped speaking to each other. However, Bertinelli did admit that the rumors are true that no one cares.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for John McCain. It turns out he might not be able to run for president because he was born outside of America. I think this is unfair! When John McCain was born, America hadn’t been discovered yet.
Great day for Katie Holmes! Rumor has she is expecting again. She told a friend she expects to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet. She may be just talking about Tom Cruise.
Terrible news for Michael Jackson. News is he is filing bankruptcy, and he is being forced to sell Neverland Ranch. It’s too bad Michael has to sell the Neverland: It’s a huge estate that covers 2,800 acres; it has an amusement park; it can sleep up to 50 children uncomfortably . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Leap Day. They have Leap Day so we have one day longer to squeeze in another episode of “American Idol.”
Two men and two women were eliminated today. It’s up to you America to figure out which were the men and which were the women.
Another show everybody loves is “America’s Next Top Model.” They’re in their 10th season in 4 ½ years. It’s amazing.
Police in Los Angeles are looking into charges that someone may have drugged Britney Spears. They have a photo of the suspect. [Photo of Britney Spears.]
