Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Happy President’s Day — or as Mitt Romney calls it, Monday.
Today we celebrate the birthdays of Presidents Washington and Lincoln, or as President Bush calls them, Mr. Quarter and Mr. Penny.
Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. She’s been speaking about Black History Month. She’s been saying, “America’s come so far that today, a black man can grow up and one day be vice president.”
Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So any crying from now on is going to be real.
David Letterman
Out in California, they recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef. That’s one triple-stacked burger at Wendy’s.
A hundred forty three pounds of tainted beef! I believe that’s the largest amount of tainted meat since Roger Clemens.
How about the presidential campaign. Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama. Although his hair is leaning towards Hillary.
John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, “he’ll lead you into the 21st century.” I like it better than his old slogan, “he’ll lead you into assisted living.”
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is accusing Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech by a Massachusetts governor. She may have a point: The speech was entitled “I love chowda.”
Over the weekend in Ohio, former President Bill Clinton had an angry confrontation with a heckler who claimed at one point Bill Clinton made physical contact. Clinton denied any physical contact, but again, he always does.
President Bush is in Africa right now. He met the president of Tanzania and gave him a pair of Shaquille O’Neil sneakers. The president of Tanzania was thrilled and said he plans to use Shaq’s shoes as a house for hundreds of people.
Yesterday, the Department of Agriculture recalled 145 million pounds of beef. Experts say this is the largest recall of beef since Star Jones had liposuction.
Craig Ferguson
There was a story on “60 Minutes” last night that said the happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are the happiest people! I’m not surprised — they make Legos in Denmark.
Who doesn’t like Logos? Al-Qaida, that’s about it.
I’ve heard Danish women are beautiful. [Picture of two Lego figurines.]
My favorite thing from Denmark is Danish bacon. Take that, Canada!
Jay Leno
Happy President’s Day — or as Mitt Romney calls it, Monday.
Today we celebrate the birthdays of Presidents Washington and Lincoln, or as President Bush calls them, Mr. Quarter and Mr. Penny.
Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. She’s been speaking about Black History Month. She’s been saying, “America’s come so far that today, a black man can grow up and one day be vice president.”
Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So any crying from now on is going to be real.
David Letterman
Out in California, they recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef. That’s one triple-stacked burger at Wendy’s.
A hundred forty three pounds of tainted beef! I believe that’s the largest amount of tainted meat since Roger Clemens.
How about the presidential campaign. Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama. Although his hair is leaning towards Hillary.
John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, “he’ll lead you into the 21st century.” I like it better than his old slogan, “he’ll lead you into assisted living.”
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is accusing Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech by a Massachusetts governor. She may have a point: The speech was entitled “I love chowda.”
Over the weekend in Ohio, former President Bill Clinton had an angry confrontation with a heckler who claimed at one point Bill Clinton made physical contact. Clinton denied any physical contact, but again, he always does.
President Bush is in Africa right now. He met the president of Tanzania and gave him a pair of Shaquille O’Neil sneakers. The president of Tanzania was thrilled and said he plans to use Shaq’s shoes as a house for hundreds of people.
Yesterday, the Department of Agriculture recalled 145 million pounds of beef. Experts say this is the largest recall of beef since Star Jones had liposuction.
Craig Ferguson
There was a story on “60 Minutes” last night that said the happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are the happiest people! I’m not surprised — they make Legos in Denmark.
Who doesn’t like Logos? Al-Qaida, that’s about it.
I’ve heard Danish women are beautiful. [Picture of two Lego figurines.]
My favorite thing from Denmark is Danish bacon. Take that, Canada!
