Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Awkward moment in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I guess she told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama.
They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”
The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want the money in pesos.
An earthquake hit Mexico yesterday. Fortunately, they were all in L.A. at the time.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your president?
9. I'd like to "emancipate" Angelina Jolie
8. Sweet merciful Lord, these Applebee's riblets are delicious
7. I hope the writers' strike is over! I need my "Desperate Housewives"
6. The framers of the Constitution would care less about who injected what in their ass
5. I'm here to unite our great nation over unbelievable deals on brand-name mattresses
4. Good heavens, McCain is still around?
3. What's with the freakishly short hats?
2. Speaking of ancient dead guys, how's Letterman doing?
1. Seriously, what the hell is happening on "Lost"?
David Letterman
Cold today in New York City. So cold, Leona Helmsley left $12 million to a polar bear.
So cold, Al Gore wasn’t answering his phone.
So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head went into hibernation.
So cold, Amy Winehouse was letting people live in her hair.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for Hillary Clinton. She’s lost more primaries! She’s calling her supporters to let them know her campaign is not in financial trouble. The embarrassing part is she’s calling them collect.
Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn’t be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama.
It’s National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International House of Pancakes, IHOP, is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I went earlier but some bastard had eaten all the pancakes. Damn you, Drew Carey!
Jay Leno
Awkward moment in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I guess she told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama.
They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”
The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want the money in pesos.
An earthquake hit Mexico yesterday. Fortunately, they were all in L.A. at the time.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your president?
9. I'd like to "emancipate" Angelina Jolie
8. Sweet merciful Lord, these Applebee's riblets are delicious
7. I hope the writers' strike is over! I need my "Desperate Housewives"
6. The framers of the Constitution would care less about who injected what in their ass
5. I'm here to unite our great nation over unbelievable deals on brand-name mattresses
4. Good heavens, McCain is still around?
3. What's with the freakishly short hats?
2. Speaking of ancient dead guys, how's Letterman doing?
1. Seriously, what the hell is happening on "Lost"?
David Letterman
Cold today in New York City. So cold, Leona Helmsley left $12 million to a polar bear.
So cold, Al Gore wasn’t answering his phone.
So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head went into hibernation.
So cold, Amy Winehouse was letting people live in her hair.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for Hillary Clinton. She’s lost more primaries! She’s calling her supporters to let them know her campaign is not in financial trouble. The embarrassing part is she’s calling them collect.
Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn’t be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama.
It’s National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International House of Pancakes, IHOP, is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I went earlier but some bastard had eaten all the pancakes. Damn you, Drew Carey!
