Thursday, February 28, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? “American Idol.”
This has been their 20th debate! C’mon! I mean, Hillary hasn’t been alone with Bill that many times.
They’re saying this is the biggest thing to happen in Cleveland since . . . ever, I guess.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
Ralph Nader is running for president. Today is his birthday: Happy birthday to Ralph Nader. He is 74. No, wait — that’s how many votes he’ll get.
Conan O'Brien
Good news for everybody. Last night was the final Democratic debate. I think there was 110 of those.
Trouble for Barack Obama last night. He’s usually so smooth. He mispronounced the word Massachusetts twice, and then he mispronounced the word filibuster. Which explains why this morning Barack Obama was endorsed by President Bush.
A photo has been circulating of Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.
In sports: The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos.
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for Britain. They had a 5.2 earthquake in Britain. Prince Charles said he knew it was coming . . . the horses were acting up. Especially Camilla.
There are some birthdays today: Ralph Nader and Elizabeth Taylor. Two very different people, of course. One is a crazy old bitch who is out of touch with reality, the other one is Liz Taylor.
I was at the dentist today. I had a tooth removed. It was the last of my British teeth: I’m an American citizen now. Next week I’ll remove all my Speedos.
I can’t be responsible for what I’m saying; I’m heavily medicated.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s freezing all over the country. The Midwest is frozen solid.
What we do to keep warm here is we gather around Paris Hilton.
Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only hasn’t he stepped down from his Senate seat, he’s actually looking for summer interns. He’s looking for juniors and seniors in college who have an interest in politics and know how to keep their mouths shut.
The deadline is mid-March. If you’re interested, slip your resume under the third stall from the left in the Meridian’s men’s room off I-84.
Jay Leno
Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? “American Idol.”
This has been their 20th debate! C’mon! I mean, Hillary hasn’t been alone with Bill that many times.
They’re saying this is the biggest thing to happen in Cleveland since . . . ever, I guess.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
Ralph Nader is running for president. Today is his birthday: Happy birthday to Ralph Nader. He is 74. No, wait — that’s how many votes he’ll get.
Conan O'Brien
Good news for everybody. Last night was the final Democratic debate. I think there was 110 of those.
Trouble for Barack Obama last night. He’s usually so smooth. He mispronounced the word Massachusetts twice, and then he mispronounced the word filibuster. Which explains why this morning Barack Obama was endorsed by President Bush.
A photo has been circulating of Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.
In sports: The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos.
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for Britain. They had a 5.2 earthquake in Britain. Prince Charles said he knew it was coming . . . the horses were acting up. Especially Camilla.
There are some birthdays today: Ralph Nader and Elizabeth Taylor. Two very different people, of course. One is a crazy old bitch who is out of touch with reality, the other one is Liz Taylor.
I was at the dentist today. I had a tooth removed. It was the last of my British teeth: I’m an American citizen now. Next week I’ll remove all my Speedos.
I can’t be responsible for what I’m saying; I’m heavily medicated.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s freezing all over the country. The Midwest is frozen solid.
What we do to keep warm here is we gather around Paris Hilton.
Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only hasn’t he stepped down from his Senate seat, he’s actually looking for summer interns. He’s looking for juniors and seniors in college who have an interest in politics and know how to keep their mouths shut.
The deadline is mid-March. If you’re interested, slip your resume under the third stall from the left in the Meridian’s men’s room off I-84.
