Saturday, February 9, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel.
That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?
Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning A Grammy
10. Your CD is used to torture Gitmo detainees
9. Closest you've been to the music industry is when a drunk mistook you for Ruben Studdard
8. You're like Amy Winehouse, only less talented and crazier
7. There is no categroy for Outstanding Tambourine Solo
6. After your songs are downloaded, iTunes e-mails a receipt and an apology
5. Your single is 4 minutes of "Testing one, two..testing one, two, three..."
4. Up against Diddy for "Best Diddy"
3. Band's name: Mike & The Huckabees (We could also have accepted Mitt & The Romneys)
2. Your album just went aluminum — Hi-ohhhh!
1. Who gives a crap? The Giants kicked Patriot Ass!
David Letterman
Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit.
Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams.
How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like a doctor with a miracle cure for arthritis.
He looks like a lawyer in a Yellow Pages ad.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to EPCOT Center.
Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Gary Coleman. He turns 40! It seems like just yesterday he was only this tall.
Martin Scorsese, the director, unveiled his new movie about The Rolling Stones. It’s called “Old Fellas.”
I feel sorry for Amy Winehouse. All that fame and money . . . no wonder she’s gone a little crackie.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I went to see “Cloverfield,” and during the movie, I had to go to the bathroom. Holding court in the men’s room was Ron Jeremy, adult film star. He was complaining about how disgusting the movie was. All I could think was, “Are you kidding me? How disgusting this movie was? Have you ever seen one of your own?”
Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for.
Jay Leno
Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel.
That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?
Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning A Grammy
10. Your CD is used to torture Gitmo detainees
9. Closest you've been to the music industry is when a drunk mistook you for Ruben Studdard
8. You're like Amy Winehouse, only less talented and crazier
7. There is no categroy for Outstanding Tambourine Solo
6. After your songs are downloaded, iTunes e-mails a receipt and an apology
5. Your single is 4 minutes of "Testing one, two..testing one, two, three..."
4. Up against Diddy for "Best Diddy"
3. Band's name: Mike & The Huckabees (We could also have accepted Mitt & The Romneys)
2. Your album just went aluminum — Hi-ohhhh!
1. Who gives a crap? The Giants kicked Patriot Ass!
David Letterman
Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit.
Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams.
How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like a doctor with a miracle cure for arthritis.
He looks like a lawyer in a Yellow Pages ad.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to EPCOT Center.
Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air.
Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Gary Coleman. He turns 40! It seems like just yesterday he was only this tall.
Martin Scorsese, the director, unveiled his new movie about The Rolling Stones. It’s called “Old Fellas.”
I feel sorry for Amy Winehouse. All that fame and money . . . no wonder she’s gone a little crackie.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I went to see “Cloverfield,” and during the movie, I had to go to the bathroom. Holding court in the men’s room was Ron Jeremy, adult film star. He was complaining about how disgusting the movie was. All I could think was, “Are you kidding me? How disgusting this movie was? Have you ever seen one of your own?”
Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for.
