Friday, January 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We had 80 mph winds today! Coming in this morning, I saw a Mini Cooper circling the airport.
It was so windy on Hollywood Boulevard, I saw a guy take the chains out of his nose and wrap them around a lamp post just to keep from blowing away.
And cold! It’s been into the teens more than R. Kelley.
There was a big Democratic debate the other night, and NBC would not allow Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that — NBC saying you’re ratings are too low.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs A Police Officer Is Too Fat
10. Traded his police cruiser for a Good Humor truck
9. On drug busts he's the battering ram
8. Uses powdered sugar to dust for prints
7. Once tasered a guy at McDonald's for skimping on the special sauce
6. He gets winded during roll call
5. Known as "New York's Tubbiest"
4. Decided to join writers' strike just for the free donuts
3. His "nightstick" is a pepperoni
2. Calls for backup to help him get out of his squad car
1. Looks in the mirror and says "OK, break it up"
David Letterman
Eddie Murphy ‘s marriage is over. It lasted only two weeks. Two weeks! Here’s what I heard: They started to drift apart during the ceremony.
The legal question now is, Who gets custody of the cake?
We finally know the name of the woman who posed for the Mona Lisa. Her name is Lisa Del Giacondo . . . by the way, her identity was leaked by Scooter Libby.
She’s being described as a Renaissance groupie. She saw more ceilings than Michelangelo.
Conan O'Brien
Last night on my show, I came out . . . jumped around like a chimp . . . this is what I normally do . . .
Then I said something about Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign. I said Mike Huckabee’s successes were due to Chuck Norris, and since I made Norris (through the Walker Texas Ranger Level segment of my show), I am a king maker. Today, my staff is buzzing about some comments made by Stephen Colbert, the temporary host of “The Colbert Report.” He’s filling in until they find another Colbert. I’ve never had a chance to check his show out, because, frankly, I don’t have a radio.
He says he made Huckabee. Even if that is true, if Colbert made Huckabee, and I made Colbert by breathing life into his show by mentioning it on my show — then Conan made Huckabee!
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for O.J. Simpson. A judge told him, “You must arrogant, ignorant, or both.” O.J. said, “I am none of these things. I am just a murderer.”
It’s a great day for the president’s daughter, Jenna Bush. She set a date for her wedding. She’s excited about her marriage, especially about the part where she gets to change her name.
Osama bin Laden’s son announced today that he wants to be a peace activist. Talk about rebelling against your parents!
That’s like Tom Cruise’s kid announcing she’s going to be human.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Has anyone been watching “American Idol,” the karaoke show?
Thousands of people from all over the United States, many of these people mentally disturbed, present themselves to be evaluated.
Many of our favorites in Hollywood are insane . . . Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse . . . Kortney Love . . . Would they be rejected?
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We had 80 mph winds today! Coming in this morning, I saw a Mini Cooper circling the airport.
It was so windy on Hollywood Boulevard, I saw a guy take the chains out of his nose and wrap them around a lamp post just to keep from blowing away.
And cold! It’s been into the teens more than R. Kelley.
There was a big Democratic debate the other night, and NBC would not allow Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that — NBC saying you’re ratings are too low.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs A Police Officer Is Too Fat
10. Traded his police cruiser for a Good Humor truck
9. On drug busts he's the battering ram
8. Uses powdered sugar to dust for prints
7. Once tasered a guy at McDonald's for skimping on the special sauce
6. He gets winded during roll call
5. Known as "New York's Tubbiest"
4. Decided to join writers' strike just for the free donuts
3. His "nightstick" is a pepperoni
2. Calls for backup to help him get out of his squad car
1. Looks in the mirror and says "OK, break it up"
David Letterman
Eddie Murphy ‘s marriage is over. It lasted only two weeks. Two weeks! Here’s what I heard: They started to drift apart during the ceremony.
The legal question now is, Who gets custody of the cake?
We finally know the name of the woman who posed for the Mona Lisa. Her name is Lisa Del Giacondo . . . by the way, her identity was leaked by Scooter Libby.
She’s being described as a Renaissance groupie. She saw more ceilings than Michelangelo.
Conan O'Brien
Last night on my show, I came out . . . jumped around like a chimp . . . this is what I normally do . . .
Then I said something about Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign. I said Mike Huckabee’s successes were due to Chuck Norris, and since I made Norris (through the Walker Texas Ranger Level segment of my show), I am a king maker. Today, my staff is buzzing about some comments made by Stephen Colbert, the temporary host of “The Colbert Report.” He’s filling in until they find another Colbert. I’ve never had a chance to check his show out, because, frankly, I don’t have a radio.
He says he made Huckabee. Even if that is true, if Colbert made Huckabee, and I made Colbert by breathing life into his show by mentioning it on my show — then Conan made Huckabee!
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for O.J. Simpson. A judge told him, “You must arrogant, ignorant, or both.” O.J. said, “I am none of these things. I am just a murderer.”
It’s a great day for the president’s daughter, Jenna Bush. She set a date for her wedding. She’s excited about her marriage, especially about the part where she gets to change her name.
Osama bin Laden’s son announced today that he wants to be a peace activist. Talk about rebelling against your parents!
That’s like Tom Cruise’s kid announcing she’s going to be human.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Has anyone been watching “American Idol,” the karaoke show?
Thousands of people from all over the United States, many of these people mentally disturbed, present themselves to be evaluated.
Many of our favorites in Hollywood are insane . . . Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse . . . Kortney Love . . . Would they be rejected?
