Thursday, January 31, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to John McCain — the big winner in Florida. He had to win over a whole voter group: Republicans.
It was a tough fight for McCain. A lot of voters in Florida are unsure about him. At age 71, McCain is a lot younger than most Florida Republicans, so they don’t trust him.
Democrats won’t count in Florida. They’re punishing them for moving their primary up. How ironic is that? The one election that they get done early, and it doesn’t count.
Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Flying The Naked Airline
10. What if my tray table isn't the only thing in an upright position?
9. Are the seats taken out and incinerated after each flight?
8. Would it be cheaper to take the naked Greyhound Bus?
7. Is the coffee served in a spill-proof cup?
6. I thought you said, 'cockpit'
5. Is this what the Wright brothers had in mind?
4. Hey, isn't that Matthew McConaughey?
3. Where do I keep my passport?
2. Is this really the kind of flight I should be taking with mom?
1. Do I really want people handling my baggage?
David Letterman
Yesterday down in Florida, they had the primary . . . Rudy Giuliani came in third. Third place. Tough night. During his speech, that actress Sean Young started yelling, “Get on with it! Get on with it!”
John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.
Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. The endorsement was slightly tainted, however . . . Janet Reno was mentioned in the “Mitchell Report.”
Happy birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney — 67 years old today. Friends got together and threw a big party. Then Cheney tortured the cake. They all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey.
Conan O'Brien
Everyone’s talking about “Cloverfield.” People are getting sick from the filming. But it’s a big hit. So I thought I would make everybody sick too.
Craig Ferguson
Dick Cheney’s birthday. Happy birthday Dick Cheney. He celebrated with a 21-gun salute.
John McCain did very well yesterday — winning in Florida. Who says there’s no country for old men?
Mitt Romney has plans to stop McCain’s momentum. He’s going to take the tennis balls off of McCain’s walker.
Big Republican debate in California now. We’re not used to that kind of big debate. The big debate here is usually, facelift or boob job?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both announced they are out of the race today, to spend more time with each other.
Giuliani said he will endorse John McCain. Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusion Volumizing Shampoo.
The real race America is following, is not the race for president . . . it’s the race to find the No. 1 karaoke singer on “American Idol.”
Jay Leno
Congratulations to John McCain — the big winner in Florida. He had to win over a whole voter group: Republicans.
It was a tough fight for McCain. A lot of voters in Florida are unsure about him. At age 71, McCain is a lot younger than most Florida Republicans, so they don’t trust him.
Democrats won’t count in Florida. They’re punishing them for moving their primary up. How ironic is that? The one election that they get done early, and it doesn’t count.
Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Flying The Naked Airline
10. What if my tray table isn't the only thing in an upright position?
9. Are the seats taken out and incinerated after each flight?
8. Would it be cheaper to take the naked Greyhound Bus?
7. Is the coffee served in a spill-proof cup?
6. I thought you said, 'cockpit'
5. Is this what the Wright brothers had in mind?
4. Hey, isn't that Matthew McConaughey?
3. Where do I keep my passport?
2. Is this really the kind of flight I should be taking with mom?
1. Do I really want people handling my baggage?
David Letterman
Yesterday down in Florida, they had the primary . . . Rudy Giuliani came in third. Third place. Tough night. During his speech, that actress Sean Young started yelling, “Get on with it! Get on with it!”
John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.
Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. The endorsement was slightly tainted, however . . . Janet Reno was mentioned in the “Mitchell Report.”
Happy birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney — 67 years old today. Friends got together and threw a big party. Then Cheney tortured the cake. They all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey.
Conan O'Brien
Everyone’s talking about “Cloverfield.” People are getting sick from the filming. But it’s a big hit. So I thought I would make everybody sick too.
Craig Ferguson
Dick Cheney’s birthday. Happy birthday Dick Cheney. He celebrated with a 21-gun salute.
John McCain did very well yesterday — winning in Florida. Who says there’s no country for old men?
Mitt Romney has plans to stop McCain’s momentum. He’s going to take the tennis balls off of McCain’s walker.
Big Republican debate in California now. We’re not used to that kind of big debate. The big debate here is usually, facelift or boob job?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both announced they are out of the race today, to spend more time with each other.
Giuliani said he will endorse John McCain. Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusion Volumizing Shampoo.
The real race America is following, is not the race for president . . . it’s the race to find the No. 1 karaoke singer on “American Idol.”
