Thursday, January 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He was the big winner in the Michigan primary. John McCain came in second. An embarrassing moment for McCain when he spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral parlor. I don’t want to say McCain looks old, but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID.
Hillary Clinton was on the "Tyra Banks" show. Tyra asked her if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she be on? Hillary answered “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, if Barack Obama continues to do well, she could be on that show sooner than she thinks.
While he was in the Saudi Arabia, President Bush met with the Saudi crown Prince Abdullah. See, he’s not really good at these social situations. He kept asking the prince about his sister Paula Abdullah.
The FDA has certified cloned meat safe to eat. Well, thank God — you don’t anything unhealthy that you then batter and deep fry with cheese.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Programs on Oprah's New Television Network
10. "Law and Oprah"
9. "The Oprentice"
8. "As Oprah's World Turns"
7. "Two and a half Stedmans"
6. "Hawaii Five-Oprah"
5. "Gayle King of Queens"
4. No number 4 — writer making his bucket list
3. "Sofa Repair With Tom Cruise"
2. "Oprahstar Galactica"
1. "More Bullsh** From Dr. Phil"
David Letterman
A lot of tourists in New York City. Looking for something exciting to do? Take a burro ride to the bottom of a pothole.
They’re building a New Yankees stadium here. And the progress is really fast. There’s a good reason for it: The workers are taking the same stuff the players are.
Scientists have created a rat heart in a Petri dish. A beating rat heart! Or as it’s known at the Hello Deli, the No. 2.
A living rat heart. Finally some good news for Dick Cheney.
Conan O'Brien
In the last few weeks, I have shown without a doubt, that I am responsible for Mike Huckabee’s meteoric rise because he campaigned with Chuck Norris. How did Norris become king maker? Because for years, I did a segment on my show called, “Walker Texas Ranger Lever” where I would pull a lever and show clips from his show. It resurrected Chuck Norris’ career — he was going nowhere fast. He was hitting the bottle sleeping in the gutter . . .
Then, Chuck Norris resurrected the campaign of Mike Huckabee . . . I made Norris . . . Norris made Huckabee . . . ergo, I made Huckabee.
Well, last night in the Michigan primary, Huckabee came in third. Third! What happened, you’re wondering, right? Again, I believe I was responsible. Huckabee was so excited about his newfound friend, Walker Texas Ranger, that he took the whole thing too far. He ran an ad all day in Michigan. I think the ad really hurt him. [Clip of adulterated ad: Huckabee: “My plan to secure the border? Chuck Norris.” Huckabee then pulls “Walker Texas Ranger Lever” and runs clip of Norris smacking a man stuck in a bear trap saying, “Shut up.”
Craig Ferguson
It’s a sad day: Eddie Murphy has announced he’s separated from his wife. He’s been married for only 15 days! I guess he couldn’t get past the fact that she was a woman.
David Spade is having a baby with a Playboy playmate. Miss March. In a few months, she’ll be sporting a tiny, whiny, crying thing around . . . then the baby will be born, and she’ll move on.
Archaeologists have found the remains of a 40-million-year-old giant rodent. It was as tall as a human, with a head like a beaver. We have a picture of the rodent. [Shows picture of Donald Trump’s head.]
President Bush is in Saudi Arabia. He still took the time to cast that all-important vote on “American Idol,” though
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
If I seem like I’m off my game tonight, I want you to know it has nothing to do with the fact that I spent last weekend with Jessica Simpson.
“American Idol” premiered last night. Apparently, it was the lowest rated premier in four years. Only 85 billion people watched last night.
Poor Ryan Seacrest — they’re saying he’s going to have to get his tips frosted at Super Cuts now.
I like the bad singers better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered that’s already a show, called “Judge Judy.”
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He was the big winner in the Michigan primary. John McCain came in second. An embarrassing moment for McCain when he spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral parlor. I don’t want to say McCain looks old, but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID.
Hillary Clinton was on the "Tyra Banks" show. Tyra asked her if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she be on? Hillary answered “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, if Barack Obama continues to do well, she could be on that show sooner than she thinks.
While he was in the Saudi Arabia, President Bush met with the Saudi crown Prince Abdullah. See, he’s not really good at these social situations. He kept asking the prince about his sister Paula Abdullah.
The FDA has certified cloned meat safe to eat. Well, thank God — you don’t anything unhealthy that you then batter and deep fry with cheese.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Programs on Oprah's New Television Network
10. "Law and Oprah"
9. "The Oprentice"
8. "As Oprah's World Turns"
7. "Two and a half Stedmans"
6. "Hawaii Five-Oprah"
5. "Gayle King of Queens"
4. No number 4 — writer making his bucket list
3. "Sofa Repair With Tom Cruise"
2. "Oprahstar Galactica"
1. "More Bullsh** From Dr. Phil"
David Letterman
A lot of tourists in New York City. Looking for something exciting to do? Take a burro ride to the bottom of a pothole.
They’re building a New Yankees stadium here. And the progress is really fast. There’s a good reason for it: The workers are taking the same stuff the players are.
Scientists have created a rat heart in a Petri dish. A beating rat heart! Or as it’s known at the Hello Deli, the No. 2.
A living rat heart. Finally some good news for Dick Cheney.
Conan O'Brien
In the last few weeks, I have shown without a doubt, that I am responsible for Mike Huckabee’s meteoric rise because he campaigned with Chuck Norris. How did Norris become king maker? Because for years, I did a segment on my show called, “Walker Texas Ranger Lever” where I would pull a lever and show clips from his show. It resurrected Chuck Norris’ career — he was going nowhere fast. He was hitting the bottle sleeping in the gutter . . .
Then, Chuck Norris resurrected the campaign of Mike Huckabee . . . I made Norris . . . Norris made Huckabee . . . ergo, I made Huckabee.
Well, last night in the Michigan primary, Huckabee came in third. Third! What happened, you’re wondering, right? Again, I believe I was responsible. Huckabee was so excited about his newfound friend, Walker Texas Ranger, that he took the whole thing too far. He ran an ad all day in Michigan. I think the ad really hurt him. [Clip of adulterated ad: Huckabee: “My plan to secure the border? Chuck Norris.” Huckabee then pulls “Walker Texas Ranger Lever” and runs clip of Norris smacking a man stuck in a bear trap saying, “Shut up.”
Craig Ferguson
It’s a sad day: Eddie Murphy has announced he’s separated from his wife. He’s been married for only 15 days! I guess he couldn’t get past the fact that she was a woman.
David Spade is having a baby with a Playboy playmate. Miss March. In a few months, she’ll be sporting a tiny, whiny, crying thing around . . . then the baby will be born, and she’ll move on.
Archaeologists have found the remains of a 40-million-year-old giant rodent. It was as tall as a human, with a head like a beaver. We have a picture of the rodent. [Shows picture of Donald Trump’s head.]
President Bush is in Saudi Arabia. He still took the time to cast that all-important vote on “American Idol,” though
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
If I seem like I’m off my game tonight, I want you to know it has nothing to do with the fact that I spent last weekend with Jessica Simpson.
“American Idol” premiered last night. Apparently, it was the lowest rated premier in four years. Only 85 billion people watched last night.
Poor Ryan Seacrest — they’re saying he’s going to have to get his tips frosted at Super Cuts now.
I like the bad singers better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered that’s already a show, called “Judge Judy.”
