Thursday, January 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that.
And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating story about John McCain — highly decorated veteran, spent five and half years in prison, then went into politics . . . Usually it's the other way around.
Not such good news for John Edwards . . . he came in third, proving there really are two Americas — and neither one is voting for him.
This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about $700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400.
David Letterman
President George Bush is in Israel right now. He showed up wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke.
There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman.
Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone.
Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me."
Craig Ferguson
The big story today, of course, I can't avoid it . . . everyone's talking about it — last night's results. So much hype, so much specualtion about who came out on top . . . I'm talking about of course, Mr. Blackwell's worse-dressed list.
I don't know much about Mr. Blackwell . . . apparently he spends all year making a list. He's kind of like a gay Santa.
Of course I'm going to talk about the primaries. On Monday, Hillary got all tearied up . . . she cried. People are saying that's why she did so well. And they're criticizing her for crying as well. If she doesn't cry, she's robot. If she does cry, she's an emotional crying robot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary clinton won the Democratic primary last night. She beat Oprah's husband by a slim margin.
There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now.
Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him.
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that.
And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating story about John McCain — highly decorated veteran, spent five and half years in prison, then went into politics . . . Usually it's the other way around.
Not such good news for John Edwards . . . he came in third, proving there really are two Americas — and neither one is voting for him.
This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about $700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400.
David Letterman
President George Bush is in Israel right now. He showed up wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke.
There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman.
Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone.
Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me."
Craig Ferguson
The big story today, of course, I can't avoid it . . . everyone's talking about it — last night's results. So much hype, so much specualtion about who came out on top . . . I'm talking about of course, Mr. Blackwell's worse-dressed list.
I don't know much about Mr. Blackwell . . . apparently he spends all year making a list. He's kind of like a gay Santa.
Of course I'm going to talk about the primaries. On Monday, Hillary got all tearied up . . . she cried. People are saying that's why she did so well. And they're criticizing her for crying as well. If she doesn't cry, she's robot. If she does cry, she's an emotional crying robot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary clinton won the Democratic primary last night. She beat Oprah's husband by a slim margin.
There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now.
Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him.
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