Thursday, January 24, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, “Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear.”
It was so cold, Simon Cowell was wearing two T-shirts.
Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. He came in third in South Carolina — which would be great if he was still on NBC. He’d be a hero!
It looks like Rudy Giuliani is having a rough time in Florida. His early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows.
David Letterman
According to a recent study, there is a very high level of mercury in tuna in Manhattan. Or as the Hello Deli calls it, the special sauce.
One supermodel eats so much sushi, she is working as a thermometer.
How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like he should be selling fruit dehydrators on cable.
He looks like the stock photo that comes with the frame.
Craig Ferguson
People were shocked this morning by Bill Clinton’s comments. He said that he likes seeing Hillary fight with Obama. He likes it! Then he said, “I’d like it even more if they both wore dresses.“
“Oh, wait — who am I kidding? Hillary would never wear a dress.”
Republicans are campaigning down in Florida, where most voters are in their 50s and 60s, or as John McCain calls them, the youth vote.
Archaeologists have discovered a 100,000-year-old skull. C’mon! Can you believe that? We have a picture of it. [Photo of Larry King.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, “This club sucks — let’s get out of here.”
Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, “I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.” I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother.
I will say this: My mother rarely showed her vagina to the media.
Jay Leno
What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, “Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear.”
It was so cold, Simon Cowell was wearing two T-shirts.
Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. He came in third in South Carolina — which would be great if he was still on NBC. He’d be a hero!
It looks like Rudy Giuliani is having a rough time in Florida. His early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows.
David Letterman
According to a recent study, there is a very high level of mercury in tuna in Manhattan. Or as the Hello Deli calls it, the special sauce.
One supermodel eats so much sushi, she is working as a thermometer.
How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like he should be selling fruit dehydrators on cable.
He looks like the stock photo that comes with the frame.
Craig Ferguson
People were shocked this morning by Bill Clinton’s comments. He said that he likes seeing Hillary fight with Obama. He likes it! Then he said, “I’d like it even more if they both wore dresses.“
“Oh, wait — who am I kidding? Hillary would never wear a dress.”
Republicans are campaigning down in Florida, where most voters are in their 50s and 60s, or as John McCain calls them, the youth vote.
Archaeologists have discovered a 100,000-year-old skull. C’mon! Can you believe that? We have a picture of it. [Photo of Larry King.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, “This club sucks — let’s get out of here.”
Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, “I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.” I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother.
I will say this: My mother rarely showed her vagina to the media.
