Saturday, January 19, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw.
John Edwards keeps coming in third, but he says he’s not worried about it. He now says he doesn’t believe there are two Americas. He now thinks there are three. And he’s going to keep looking for the one that wants him to be president.
There’s still no front-runner for the Republicans. Republicans are starting to look like Britney Spears getting out of the limo: wide open.
McDonald’s says that sometime in the near future, they will have robots preparing their food. I this doesn’t mean it will have an assembly line taste.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Monster Movie
10. Monster comes to New York takes in a matinee of "Jersey Boys" and leaves
9. He doesn't eat people he just licks them
8. It's two hours of the creature writing his bucket list
7. It tortures people by showing slides from his trip to the Poconos
6. The monster shows up and FEMA doesn't send help for three days
5. It's entitled "Phantom of the Oprah"
4. The beast with a disfigured face? Joan Rivers
3. Monster's main tactic is to refuse to negotiate with the Writers Guild
2. Werewolf looks like this (photo: Dave with beard)
1. After taunting city for hours, tearful monster is led away by Dr. Phil
David Letterman
Everybody’s worried about the flu. Today I saw a squirrel putting Purel on his nuts.
“American Idol” is coming back. “American Idol” features a group of self-deluded pretenders and publicity seekers . . . it’s just like the presidential race.
Mayor Bloomberg may run for president. It’s on his “bucket List.”
The movie “Cloverfield” opens today. It’s about a monster that goes crazy. Right after getting fired from “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
In an interview, Jack Nicholson said he would date a woman his age. But when asked his age, he said 18 . . . or 22.
“Cloverfield” opens today. It’s about a big ugly monster that tries to destroy New York. It was originally called “Trump.”
No one knows what the monster looks like . . . there are no pictures on the Internet. It’s like Nessy or Chupacabra, or Oprah’s boyfriend.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s Friday night! Don’t feel bad, I had nowhere fun to go either.
ABC has announced they are going to remake “Circus of the Stars.” It officially means we’re out of ideas.
CBS and Fox are also reportedly working on projects involving famous people doing circus tricks. Which is great news for Gary Coleman.
There’s going to be a huge bidding war to see who gets to shoot him out of a cannon.
Jay Leno
Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw.
John Edwards keeps coming in third, but he says he’s not worried about it. He now says he doesn’t believe there are two Americas. He now thinks there are three. And he’s going to keep looking for the one that wants him to be president.
There’s still no front-runner for the Republicans. Republicans are starting to look like Britney Spears getting out of the limo: wide open.
McDonald’s says that sometime in the near future, they will have robots preparing their food. I this doesn’t mean it will have an assembly line taste.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Monster Movie
10. Monster comes to New York takes in a matinee of "Jersey Boys" and leaves
9. He doesn't eat people he just licks them
8. It's two hours of the creature writing his bucket list
7. It tortures people by showing slides from his trip to the Poconos
6. The monster shows up and FEMA doesn't send help for three days
5. It's entitled "Phantom of the Oprah"
4. The beast with a disfigured face? Joan Rivers
3. Monster's main tactic is to refuse to negotiate with the Writers Guild
2. Werewolf looks like this (photo: Dave with beard)
1. After taunting city for hours, tearful monster is led away by Dr. Phil
David Letterman
Everybody’s worried about the flu. Today I saw a squirrel putting Purel on his nuts.
“American Idol” is coming back. “American Idol” features a group of self-deluded pretenders and publicity seekers . . . it’s just like the presidential race.
Mayor Bloomberg may run for president. It’s on his “bucket List.”
The movie “Cloverfield” opens today. It’s about a monster that goes crazy. Right after getting fired from “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
In an interview, Jack Nicholson said he would date a woman his age. But when asked his age, he said 18 . . . or 22.
“Cloverfield” opens today. It’s about a big ugly monster that tries to destroy New York. It was originally called “Trump.”
No one knows what the monster looks like . . . there are no pictures on the Internet. It’s like Nessy or Chupacabra, or Oprah’s boyfriend.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s Friday night! Don’t feel bad, I had nowhere fun to go either.
ABC has announced they are going to remake “Circus of the Stars.” It officially means we’re out of ideas.
CBS and Fox are also reportedly working on projects involving famous people doing circus tricks. Which is great news for Gary Coleman.
There’s going to be a huge bidding war to see who gets to shoot him out of a cannon.
