Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Tonight, President Bush gave his last State of Delusion address.
Congratulations to Barack Obama. He won big in South Carolina. He got the endorsement from Ted Kennedy. Ted didn’t always know who he was though. [Clip of Kennedy saying, “Just ask Osama bin Laden, er, Sen. Obama . . .]
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Monster
10. "Looks like I'm not the only one who ate a whole city"
9. "Finish up your bucket list, guys I'm coming back for you in an hour"
8. "I was going to destroy the country, but it looks like the mortgage crisis beat me to it hey-ooo"
7. "Where's Madison Square Garden? Some guy gave me a hundred bucks to eat Isiah Thomas"
6. "Do you know where I can find a scaly green hooker?"
5. "I'm Godzilla's cousin, Todd-zilla"
4. "When I'm fully grown, I'll be almost as big as a New York City rat. Can you believe that? A city rat. Now that's a big rat!"
3. "Ahhhh!"
2. "This is what happens when you let Barry Bonds inject you in the ass"
1. "I ate your sister last night"
David Letterman
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
During the State of the Union address, what a rowdy crowd! At one point, Dick Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air.
It was such a riveting speech, Sen. Craig only took two bathroom breaks.
Conan O'Brien
Lots of big news: Barack Obama endorsed by Ted Kennedy, stock market fluctuations, State of the Union address . . . but let’s face it — the biggest news event is that I shaved my beard.
Craig Ferguson
President Bush gave his State of Union address earlier this evening. Wasn’t it great? I found it very moving, so inspiring, so . . . no one watched it? I didn’t watch it either.
This is the last time Bush with give this speech. It was like a farewell, special edition of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.”
I’m getting cocky for someone who is not yet a citizen. Aren’t I?
Jay Leno
Tonight, President Bush gave his last State of Delusion address.
Congratulations to Barack Obama. He won big in South Carolina. He got the endorsement from Ted Kennedy. Ted didn’t always know who he was though. [Clip of Kennedy saying, “Just ask Osama bin Laden, er, Sen. Obama . . .]
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Monster
10. "Looks like I'm not the only one who ate a whole city"
9. "Finish up your bucket list, guys I'm coming back for you in an hour"
8. "I was going to destroy the country, but it looks like the mortgage crisis beat me to it hey-ooo"
7. "Where's Madison Square Garden? Some guy gave me a hundred bucks to eat Isiah Thomas"
6. "Do you know where I can find a scaly green hooker?"
5. "I'm Godzilla's cousin, Todd-zilla"
4. "When I'm fully grown, I'll be almost as big as a New York City rat. Can you believe that? A city rat. Now that's a big rat!"
3. "Ahhhh!"
2. "This is what happens when you let Barry Bonds inject you in the ass"
1. "I ate your sister last night"
David Letterman
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
During the State of the Union address, what a rowdy crowd! At one point, Dick Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air.
It was such a riveting speech, Sen. Craig only took two bathroom breaks.
Conan O'Brien
Lots of big news: Barack Obama endorsed by Ted Kennedy, stock market fluctuations, State of the Union address . . . but let’s face it — the biggest news event is that I shaved my beard.
Craig Ferguson
President Bush gave his State of Union address earlier this evening. Wasn’t it great? I found it very moving, so inspiring, so . . . no one watched it? I didn’t watch it either.
This is the last time Bush with give this speech. It was like a farewell, special edition of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.”
I’m getting cocky for someone who is not yet a citizen. Aren’t I?
