Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for “No Country for Old Men.” That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan.
Another Oscar nod for “There Will Be Blood,” a story of a ruthless oil tycoon . . . or as Dick Cheney calls it, “The greatest movie of all time.”
Fred Thompson dropped out the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet?
Do you know what’s standing between Fred and the White House? The American people.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy
10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face
6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help . . . Cloverfield monster . . . Run for your lives!
2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?
David Letterman
Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry — George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face.
Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another last night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.”
During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!”
Fred Thompson has dropped out of the race. He spent all day packing the bags under his eyes.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Fred Thompson. He dropped out of the presidential race. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Fred Thompson was in the race?”
John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break.
Oliver Stone is going to make a movie about our current president. It’s going to called “Bush.” I think I saw that already. I saw it in a hotel room accidentally. Six times.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Fla. They had a big Martin Luther King Day parade there. Even though he didn’t fit in at all, he made himself at home. [Clip of Romney standing with black girl, saying, “Who let the dogs out?”]
In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people.
Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted.
That’s obvious at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday where he was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King III. [Clip of Clinton nodding off during speech.] I don’t know if that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind.
Jay Leno
Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for “No Country for Old Men.” That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan.
Another Oscar nod for “There Will Be Blood,” a story of a ruthless oil tycoon . . . or as Dick Cheney calls it, “The greatest movie of all time.”
Fred Thompson dropped out the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet?
Do you know what’s standing between Fred and the White House? The American people.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy
10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face
6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help . . . Cloverfield monster . . . Run for your lives!
2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?
David Letterman
Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry — George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face.
Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another last night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.”
During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!”
Fred Thompson has dropped out of the race. He spent all day packing the bags under his eyes.
Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for Fred Thompson. He dropped out of the presidential race. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Fred Thompson was in the race?”
John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break.
Oliver Stone is going to make a movie about our current president. It’s going to called “Bush.” I think I saw that already. I saw it in a hotel room accidentally. Six times.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Fla. They had a big Martin Luther King Day parade there. Even though he didn’t fit in at all, he made himself at home. [Clip of Romney standing with black girl, saying, “Who let the dogs out?”]
In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people.
Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted.
That’s obvious at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday where he was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King III. [Clip of Clinton nodding off during speech.] I don’t know if that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind.
