Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush is visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terror. Yeah — so fully, they’re on both sides.
And the country says they’re getting more progressive. For example, today the king said they are considering allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia. Well, except for Lindsay Lohan.
I read something about terrorists. The scariest weapon is a dirty bomb. It’s a regular bomb that’s coated in radioactive waste. It’s the same thing as a corndog.
It was this week in 1914 that Henry Ford adopted a minimum wage of $5 a day. And today, to prove they’re not cheap bastards, NBC told the striking writers they will match that.
David Letterman
Because of the writers’ strike, the Golden Globes had to be cut down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is? The American public.
Lots of visitors this time of year in New York City. It’s easy to spot a visitor . . . he’s the guy hailing an off-duty hooker.
I had a foreigner today ask me for directions. He was my cab driver.
Here’s something that happens often. Cops chase a naked guy in Montana for 18 hours. Eighteen hours! And I’m thinking, “You’ve got to get some help, Sen. Craig.”
Conan O'Brien
Last night was the Golden Globes. It was supposed to be on NBC. No celebrities, no host, no nothing. It lasted 31 minutes. It was narrated by Larry King. You couldn’t see him, but after they announced the winners, he would jump in. It was startling. You never knew what he was going to say. “I like eggs.”
I was riveted. I believe the Oscars should be done the same way. When someone wins, he’ll just shout out something . . . anything.
Craig Ferguson
It’s not a great day for OJ Simpson. You know, America’s favorite murdering running back.
Ole Stabby Simpson. He’s back in jail. He violated his probation. He made an illegal phone call. I don’t know who he called; I think he wanted to vote on “American Idol” a day early or something.
Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed.
Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad.
Jay Leno
President Bush is visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terror. Yeah — so fully, they’re on both sides.
And the country says they’re getting more progressive. For example, today the king said they are considering allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia. Well, except for Lindsay Lohan.
I read something about terrorists. The scariest weapon is a dirty bomb. It’s a regular bomb that’s coated in radioactive waste. It’s the same thing as a corndog.
It was this week in 1914 that Henry Ford adopted a minimum wage of $5 a day. And today, to prove they’re not cheap bastards, NBC told the striking writers they will match that.
David Letterman
Because of the writers’ strike, the Golden Globes had to be cut down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is? The American public.
Lots of visitors this time of year in New York City. It’s easy to spot a visitor . . . he’s the guy hailing an off-duty hooker.
I had a foreigner today ask me for directions. He was my cab driver.
Here’s something that happens often. Cops chase a naked guy in Montana for 18 hours. Eighteen hours! And I’m thinking, “You’ve got to get some help, Sen. Craig.”
Conan O'Brien
Last night was the Golden Globes. It was supposed to be on NBC. No celebrities, no host, no nothing. It lasted 31 minutes. It was narrated by Larry King. You couldn’t see him, but after they announced the winners, he would jump in. It was startling. You never knew what he was going to say. “I like eggs.”
I was riveted. I believe the Oscars should be done the same way. When someone wins, he’ll just shout out something . . . anything.
Craig Ferguson
It’s not a great day for OJ Simpson. You know, America’s favorite murdering running back.
Ole Stabby Simpson. He’s back in jail. He violated his probation. He made an illegal phone call. I don’t know who he called; I think he wanted to vote on “American Idol” a day early or something.
Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed.
Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad.
