Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. Or as Hillary Clinton likes to say, “Whomever she may be.”
Congratulations to John McCain . . . he won the South Carolina Republican primary. He’s what’s been described as a republican maverick. You know what that means? After Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that means he’s a straight guy. There aren’t a lot of those left.
Here’s one of those philosophical questions: If Fred Thompson stops campaigning, how can you tell?
It costs me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when 65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During the Giants-Packers Game
10. "Here to sing the national anthem
9. global warming genius Al Gore"
8. "It's minus 3 degrees
7. but it's a dry cold"
6. "Eli's hands are frozen to the center's ass"
5. "Packer's tight end looks suspiciously like a polar bear"
4. "I'm glad I spent the extra money on the fleece-lined cheese hat"
3. "The referee will be officiating the second half from the hotel"
2. "Screw the game
1. let's keep huddling"
David Letterman
It’s cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it’s this cold. For instance, I’m wearing two hairpieces.
It’s so cold, that Cloverfield monster? He changed his mind and attacked Miami.
A giant monster attacks New York City . . . fortunately, he’s killed by an exploding steam pipe.
How about that Mitt Romney? Republicans say that he may be too good-looking to be running. He looks like a closer at a Cadillac dealership.
Craig Ferguson
Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican primary. They’ve got one week to make sure the voting machines don’t work.
The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn . . . democracy or porn.
I just got back from a weekend in San Francisco. I saw the dogs with the tattoos, the strung-out hippies, the gay pride parades, and that was just in the hotel lobby.
I visited Alcatraz while I was there. The famous Birdman of Alcatraz went there. I don’t know what he did . . . I think he was responsible for bird flu.
Jay Leno
One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. Or as Hillary Clinton likes to say, “Whomever she may be.”
Congratulations to John McCain . . . he won the South Carolina Republican primary. He’s what’s been described as a republican maverick. You know what that means? After Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that means he’s a straight guy. There aren’t a lot of those left.
Here’s one of those philosophical questions: If Fred Thompson stops campaigning, how can you tell?
It costs me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when 65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During the Giants-Packers Game
10. "Here to sing the national anthem
9. global warming genius Al Gore"
8. "It's minus 3 degrees
7. but it's a dry cold"
6. "Eli's hands are frozen to the center's ass"
5. "Packer's tight end looks suspiciously like a polar bear"
4. "I'm glad I spent the extra money on the fleece-lined cheese hat"
3. "The referee will be officiating the second half from the hotel"
2. "Screw the game
1. let's keep huddling"
David Letterman
It’s cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it’s this cold. For instance, I’m wearing two hairpieces.
It’s so cold, that Cloverfield monster? He changed his mind and attacked Miami.
A giant monster attacks New York City . . . fortunately, he’s killed by an exploding steam pipe.
How about that Mitt Romney? Republicans say that he may be too good-looking to be running. He looks like a closer at a Cadillac dealership.
Craig Ferguson
Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican primary. They’ve got one week to make sure the voting machines don’t work.
The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn . . . democracy or porn.
I just got back from a weekend in San Francisco. I saw the dogs with the tattoos, the strung-out hippies, the gay pride parades, and that was just in the hotel lobby.
I visited Alcatraz while I was there. The famous Birdman of Alcatraz went there. I don’t know what he did . . . I think he was responsible for bird flu.
