Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
If you were watching the State of the Union address last night, you know that President Bush is cutting 151 programs that are performing poorly. Or as we would call that at NBC, our fall schedule.
Did anyone notice Nancy Pelosi behind Bush? She was reading something. Anyone know what she was reading? [Picture of book: “Botox Facial Exercises.”]
The Kennedys came out for Barack Obama. The next big party endorsement is from Al Gore. Both Barack and Hillary are going all out to try to avoid that one.
John Edwards’ poll numbers have not moved at all. It’s like his hair.
David Letterman
Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it.
Today is Oprah Winfrey’s birthday. Banks, schools, and post offices are closed today.
The Florida primary was today. And to accommodate senior citizens, Florida polls are staying open late: 5 p.m.
Moments ago, Al Gore demanded a recount.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush gave his final State of the Union address. During every State of the Union address, every president has acknowledged great leaders, usually in the balcony. He didn’t do that last night. I’m kind of the president around here, so I am going to salute people in the audience. It’s this woman’s birthday. To honor her, her friends got her a ticket to a free show.
There’s a man in a great turtleneck. He’s from Portugal. He’s a wanted killer, but he came to the show. I salute you, sir.
That woman’s a stalker. I don’t really have one, so I pay her $500 a month. I salute you.
I salute that guy. He thought he was coming to see “Regis.”
Craig Ferguson
Today was the Florida primary. I worry about John McCain because usually when a man his age comes to Florida, they don’t leave.
One of the Dixie Chicks is pregnant. I don’t know which one . . . there’s Natalie, Emily, and Regis, I think.
Scientists say a satellite will come crashing down to earth. It weighs 200 tons, full of gas. We have a picture of it. [Picture of Rush Limbaugh.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It‘s Oprah’s birthday. That’s the reason the banks and cupcake stores are closed today.
I feel bad for Stedman — what the hell do you get Oprah for her birthday?
You can’t get her a ticket to a spa . . . you have to get her a whole spa.
Jay Leno
If you were watching the State of the Union address last night, you know that President Bush is cutting 151 programs that are performing poorly. Or as we would call that at NBC, our fall schedule.
Did anyone notice Nancy Pelosi behind Bush? She was reading something. Anyone know what she was reading? [Picture of book: “Botox Facial Exercises.”]
The Kennedys came out for Barack Obama. The next big party endorsement is from Al Gore. Both Barack and Hillary are going all out to try to avoid that one.
John Edwards’ poll numbers have not moved at all. It’s like his hair.
David Letterman
Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it.
Today is Oprah Winfrey’s birthday. Banks, schools, and post offices are closed today.
The Florida primary was today. And to accommodate senior citizens, Florida polls are staying open late: 5 p.m.
Moments ago, Al Gore demanded a recount.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush gave his final State of the Union address. During every State of the Union address, every president has acknowledged great leaders, usually in the balcony. He didn’t do that last night. I’m kind of the president around here, so I am going to salute people in the audience. It’s this woman’s birthday. To honor her, her friends got her a ticket to a free show.
There’s a man in a great turtleneck. He’s from Portugal. He’s a wanted killer, but he came to the show. I salute you, sir.
That woman’s a stalker. I don’t really have one, so I pay her $500 a month. I salute you.
I salute that guy. He thought he was coming to see “Regis.”
Craig Ferguson
Today was the Florida primary. I worry about John McCain because usually when a man his age comes to Florida, they don’t leave.
One of the Dixie Chicks is pregnant. I don’t know which one . . . there’s Natalie, Emily, and Regis, I think.
Scientists say a satellite will come crashing down to earth. It weighs 200 tons, full of gas. We have a picture of it. [Picture of Rush Limbaugh.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It‘s Oprah’s birthday. That’s the reason the banks and cupcake stores are closed today.
I feel bad for Stedman — what the hell do you get Oprah for her birthday?
You can’t get her a ticket to a spa . . . you have to get her a whole spa.
