Saturday, January 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. He’s going back to his old job as a Keebler elf.
I’m not saying Dennis was short, but he tossed in the hand towel.
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to just 12 percent — and that’s just among his children.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Rejected Titles For The George W. Bush Movie
10. "Jackass 3"
9. "The Lyin' King"
8. "The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009"
7. "Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot"
6. "Dial M For Moron"
5. "Das Boob"
4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"
3. "White Men Can't Govern"
2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"
1. "Raging Bull****"
David Letterman
In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like everyone else, he’s older. Now when he gets dropped behind enemy lines he says, “What did I come here for?”
He now gets an AARP discount for ammo.
Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy.
Today is the 170th anniversary of the flush toilet. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls it, the love seat.
Craig Ferguson
Odd week on Wall Street. Chaos. It was up; it was down; people yelling; people pulling each other’s hair . . . it was like watching “The View.”
The movie I am excited about is opening today: “Rambo.” Sylvester Stallone recently described himself as a tiny fairy on this show. A tiny fairy! Where does that leave me? Where does that leave Clay Aiken!
On a scale, there’s Sylvester Stallone, me, Clay Aiken . . . then Ryan Seacrest.
I liked the “Rocky” movies. In “Rocky 3” he fought Mr. T. I think they went downhill after that. In “Rocky 4” he fought the shark from “Jaws” or something.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There was a terrible fire at the Monte Carlo in Vegas. Police say no one got hurt. One old lady swallowed a roll of nickels, though.
I think there were a couple of lightly smoked hookers.
Republicans held another debate. Rudy Giuliani’s not doing so well. He’s basing his hopes on Florida. I think I know why he’s not doing so well. It’s his crazy facial expressions. Well, he may not become president, but he’ll do well in clown college.
Jay Leno
Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. He’s going back to his old job as a Keebler elf.
I’m not saying Dennis was short, but he tossed in the hand towel.
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to just 12 percent — and that’s just among his children.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Rejected Titles For The George W. Bush Movie
10. "Jackass 3"
9. "The Lyin' King"
8. "The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009"
7. "Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot"
6. "Dial M For Moron"
5. "Das Boob"
4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"
3. "White Men Can't Govern"
2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"
1. "Raging Bull****"
David Letterman
In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like everyone else, he’s older. Now when he gets dropped behind enemy lines he says, “What did I come here for?”
He now gets an AARP discount for ammo.
Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy.
Today is the 170th anniversary of the flush toilet. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls it, the love seat.
Craig Ferguson
Odd week on Wall Street. Chaos. It was up; it was down; people yelling; people pulling each other’s hair . . . it was like watching “The View.”
The movie I am excited about is opening today: “Rambo.” Sylvester Stallone recently described himself as a tiny fairy on this show. A tiny fairy! Where does that leave me? Where does that leave Clay Aiken!
On a scale, there’s Sylvester Stallone, me, Clay Aiken . . . then Ryan Seacrest.
I liked the “Rocky” movies. In “Rocky 3” he fought Mr. T. I think they went downhill after that. In “Rocky 4” he fought the shark from “Jaws” or something.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There was a terrible fire at the Monte Carlo in Vegas. Police say no one got hurt. One old lady swallowed a roll of nickels, though.
I think there were a couple of lightly smoked hookers.
Republicans held another debate. Rudy Giuliani’s not doing so well. He’s basing his hopes on Florida. I think I know why he’s not doing so well. It’s his crazy facial expressions. Well, he may not become president, but he’ll do well in clown college.
