Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary.
It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
Because of some discrepancy in the voting, New Hampshire says it will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich’s votes. Luckily, they’ll only need one hand.
This isn’t fair: NBC did not invite Dennis to tonight’s Democratic debate. To be fair, they did invite his hot wife.
David Letterman
I know there are a lot of folks from out of town, but last year New York was visited by 46 million visitors. Thank you, weak dollar.
The price of milk has gone up 36 percent. Here’s what happened: The cows have joined OPEC.
President Bush is already on the problem. He’s going to fight the high price of milk. He’s planning to invade Wisconsin.
Conan O'Brien
The Michigan primary is tonight. And then there's the big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. But of course, the biggest story: American Idol is back on the air. More Americans will participate in “American Idol” than in the election of our next president. It’s true. And they’ll be happier about the result.
I think it’s the best “American Idol” yet. Take a look: [Clip of Hillary Clinton singing the “Star-Spangled Banner,” off-key].
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Oprah Winfrey. She’s getting her own TV network. It’s going to be called Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN. Which is appropriate: She owns everything.
The network will start small, then it will expand, it will get really good, then it will get small again then large, then small.
Then it will start dating Stedman but always seen with Gayle.
The Michigan primary was today. John McCain was wearing the same green sweatshirt that he wore during his win in New Hampshire. Not to be outdone, Hillary was wearing the same jockstrap.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“American Idol” is back. It’s a good thing, too. The country is running dangerously lower on Bucky Covingtons.
Traditionally, the first “American Idol” episodes are filled with horrible singers, some of whom appear to be either disturbed or insane. But this year, well, they did the same thing.
There were rumors that Simon Cowell had pec implants. I don’t believe it , but I think there’s a distinct possibility that he had nipple extensions. They were poking through his shirt.
In less important news, Mitt Romney won the Republican primary.
Jay Leno
Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary.
It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
Because of some discrepancy in the voting, New Hampshire says it will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich’s votes. Luckily, they’ll only need one hand.
This isn’t fair: NBC did not invite Dennis to tonight’s Democratic debate. To be fair, they did invite his hot wife.
David Letterman
I know there are a lot of folks from out of town, but last year New York was visited by 46 million visitors. Thank you, weak dollar.
The price of milk has gone up 36 percent. Here’s what happened: The cows have joined OPEC.
President Bush is already on the problem. He’s going to fight the high price of milk. He’s planning to invade Wisconsin.
Conan O'Brien
The Michigan primary is tonight. And then there's the big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. But of course, the biggest story: American Idol is back on the air. More Americans will participate in “American Idol” than in the election of our next president. It’s true. And they’ll be happier about the result.
I think it’s the best “American Idol” yet. Take a look: [Clip of Hillary Clinton singing the “Star-Spangled Banner,” off-key].
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Oprah Winfrey. She’s getting her own TV network. It’s going to be called Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN. Which is appropriate: She owns everything.
The network will start small, then it will expand, it will get really good, then it will get small again then large, then small.
Then it will start dating Stedman but always seen with Gayle.
The Michigan primary was today. John McCain was wearing the same green sweatshirt that he wore during his win in New Hampshire. Not to be outdone, Hillary was wearing the same jockstrap.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“American Idol” is back. It’s a good thing, too. The country is running dangerously lower on Bucky Covingtons.
Traditionally, the first “American Idol” episodes are filled with horrible singers, some of whom appear to be either disturbed or insane. But this year, well, they did the same thing.
There were rumors that Simon Cowell had pec implants. I don’t believe it , but I think there’s a distinct possibility that he had nipple extensions. They were poking through his shirt.
In less important news, Mitt Romney won the Republican primary.
