Friday, November 2, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Happy Halloween, everyone. This is the day we teach our children, “Go ahead, take candy from strangers.”
Dick Cheney had an awkward moment at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader. And at the party he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney.
There was another Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill.
In his latest rambling, Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid “extremism.” Because the last thing you want in a suicide bomber is some sort of radical wacko.
David Letterman
Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees, signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Well, look at this way — who wouldn’t take earthquakes and wild fires over George Steinbrenner?
It’s now safe to eat squirrel in New Jersey. They say it’s OK. Thank God — now I don’t have to go to Delaware.
Happy Halloween! I used to hate it. My mom used to dress me like a tramp . . . hair makeup, the works.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Monkey
9. Lice Krispie Treats
8. Good N' Clammy
7. Malted Meat Balls
6. Mullahmars
5. They-Might-Be-Raisinets
4. Al Gore's Melted Sno-Caps
3. No No. 3 — writer out trick-or-treating
2. Mr. Goodbar Who Used To Be Mrs. Goodbar
1. Tootsie Roids
Conan O'Brien
Last night, yet another Democratic debate. Sen. Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”
It’s Halloween, so this morning on the “Today” show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that — Larry King went on his show without makeup.
This year Daylight Saving time has been extended. This will allow trick-or-treaters an extra hour for Halloween. Experts predict it will be this final hour that will separate the fat from the husky.
This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Halloween! Halloween is a time when people wear crazy outfits, scary makeup, and they do Satan’s bidding . . . as we call it here in L.A., Wednesday.
Last year I went as a banana. People said I looked like an overripe fruit. And that was before I put on the costume.
Last year I went to west Hollywood party . . . the guys there really dressed up. One guy was like Judy Garland and one tiny guy was dressed as Tom Cruise. To be fair, I think it was Tom Cruise.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears did a call-in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning. Half-way through the interview, she was suddenly gone. Ryan asked her a question and there was no response. Her assistant said she went to take a shower. At least she’s showering, we know that.
They called her back a little while later, and she didn’t say much, but she did talk about her Halloween costume. She had a good idea. She’s going to go wearing panties. So she will be totally unrecognizable.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what celebrities are hiding behind the masks. Here’s one [picture of Phil Spector]. If he comes to your house, give him whatever he wants.
Jay Leno
Happy Halloween, everyone. This is the day we teach our children, “Go ahead, take candy from strangers.”
Dick Cheney had an awkward moment at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader. And at the party he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney.
There was another Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill.
In his latest rambling, Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid “extremism.” Because the last thing you want in a suicide bomber is some sort of radical wacko.
David Letterman
Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees, signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Well, look at this way — who wouldn’t take earthquakes and wild fires over George Steinbrenner?
It’s now safe to eat squirrel in New Jersey. They say it’s OK. Thank God — now I don’t have to go to Delaware.
Happy Halloween! I used to hate it. My mom used to dress me like a tramp . . . hair makeup, the works.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Monkey
9. Lice Krispie Treats
8. Good N' Clammy
7. Malted Meat Balls
6. Mullahmars
5. They-Might-Be-Raisinets
4. Al Gore's Melted Sno-Caps
3. No No. 3 — writer out trick-or-treating
2. Mr. Goodbar Who Used To Be Mrs. Goodbar
1. Tootsie Roids
Conan O'Brien
Last night, yet another Democratic debate. Sen. Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”
It’s Halloween, so this morning on the “Today” show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that — Larry King went on his show without makeup.
This year Daylight Saving time has been extended. This will allow trick-or-treaters an extra hour for Halloween. Experts predict it will be this final hour that will separate the fat from the husky.
This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Halloween! Halloween is a time when people wear crazy outfits, scary makeup, and they do Satan’s bidding . . . as we call it here in L.A., Wednesday.
Last year I went as a banana. People said I looked like an overripe fruit. And that was before I put on the costume.
Last year I went to west Hollywood party . . . the guys there really dressed up. One guy was like Judy Garland and one tiny guy was dressed as Tom Cruise. To be fair, I think it was Tom Cruise.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears did a call-in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning. Half-way through the interview, she was suddenly gone. Ryan asked her a question and there was no response. Her assistant said she went to take a shower. At least she’s showering, we know that.
They called her back a little while later, and she didn’t say much, but she did talk about her Halloween costume. She had a good idea. She’s going to go wearing panties. So she will be totally unrecognizable.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what celebrities are hiding behind the masks. Here’s one [picture of Phil Spector]. If he comes to your house, give him whatever he wants.
