Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to the California fire fighters. They’re doing a wonderful job. The fires are massive. Now when Paris Hilton says “that’s hot,” it’s because she’s actually on fire.
There’s been so much smoke, David Hasselhoff eats his burgers off the floor to avoid smoke inhalation.
I’m stunned at how much parents spend on costumes for their kids. You don’t need to spend a lot of money. You can use your imagination. This year? I’m just going to drop my pants around my ankles and go as Idaho Sen. Larry Craig.
Sen. Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Apparently, they’re not really sure who he is either.
David Letterman
Did you watch the World Series? The Colorado Rockies went down faster than Marie Osmond.
Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy . . . he’s so confused . . . he went to the top drawer of his dresser.
Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference.
FEMA faked a press conference and President Bush strongly condemned it — at his own fake press conference.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Colorado Rockies Excuses
10. "Even we've never heard of most of our players"
9. "Didn't want game 5 to pre-empt 'House""
8. "Relax, there's still a lot of baseball to be played"
7. "The curse of the Bambino?"
6. "At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass"
5. No No. 5 — writer preparing to go on strike
4. "Turns out our 'flaxseed oil' really was flaxseed oil"
3. "O.J. stole the equipment!"
2. "Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume"
1. "Forget us — someone want to explain the Jets?"
Conan O'Brien
As part of a promotion Taco Bell did during the World Series, everybody in America will receive a free taco. Experts say it’s a good move for Taco Bell, and an even better one for Charmin toilet paper.
Last night during the World Series, New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez announced he is opting out of his contract. There’s a rumor he may go to the Mets. After hearing this, the Mets said, “We don’t need A-Rod’s help; we already know how to choke.”
Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”
Yesterday, on “60 Minutes,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of France say the president acted rudely — and they’ve never been prouder.
Craig Ferguson
There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably.
Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”
I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I won some money! I go to the MGM, and put my $20 in, and I win $350! That’s two weeks’ salary for me.
I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you’ve made it when there’s a game named after you. It was called “The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.”
Jay Leno
Congratulations to the California fire fighters. They’re doing a wonderful job. The fires are massive. Now when Paris Hilton says “that’s hot,” it’s because she’s actually on fire.
There’s been so much smoke, David Hasselhoff eats his burgers off the floor to avoid smoke inhalation.
I’m stunned at how much parents spend on costumes for their kids. You don’t need to spend a lot of money. You can use your imagination. This year? I’m just going to drop my pants around my ankles and go as Idaho Sen. Larry Craig.
Sen. Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Apparently, they’re not really sure who he is either.
David Letterman
Did you watch the World Series? The Colorado Rockies went down faster than Marie Osmond.
Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy . . . he’s so confused . . . he went to the top drawer of his dresser.
Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference.
FEMA faked a press conference and President Bush strongly condemned it — at his own fake press conference.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Colorado Rockies Excuses
10. "Even we've never heard of most of our players"
9. "Didn't want game 5 to pre-empt 'House""
8. "Relax, there's still a lot of baseball to be played"
7. "The curse of the Bambino?"
6. "At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass"
5. No No. 5 — writer preparing to go on strike
4. "Turns out our 'flaxseed oil' really was flaxseed oil"
3. "O.J. stole the equipment!"
2. "Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume"
1. "Forget us — someone want to explain the Jets?"
Conan O'Brien
As part of a promotion Taco Bell did during the World Series, everybody in America will receive a free taco. Experts say it’s a good move for Taco Bell, and an even better one for Charmin toilet paper.
Last night during the World Series, New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez announced he is opting out of his contract. There’s a rumor he may go to the Mets. After hearing this, the Mets said, “We don’t need A-Rod’s help; we already know how to choke.”
Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”
Yesterday, on “60 Minutes,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of France say the president acted rudely — and they’ve never been prouder.
Craig Ferguson
There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably.
Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”
I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I won some money! I go to the MGM, and put my $20 in, and I win $350! That’s two weeks’ salary for me.
I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you’ve made it when there’s a game named after you. It was called “The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.”
