Saturday, October 13, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? And he did it without a single vote from Florida.
A White House spokesman says President Bush was very happy Al Gore won. Not Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney said now he wants to bomb Norway.
A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling.
The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government of Mexico called it a hate crime.
David Letterman
You can always tell it’s autumn in New York City, because the shadow of the guy following you is longer.
Big surprise in Stockholm. The Nobel Prize in chemistry went to Jamba Juice.
The Cat Show opened in Madison Square Garden. One thousand cats arrived, and when that happened, that thing on Donald Trump’s head arched its back and hissed.
It’s the Clintons 32nd wedding anniversary. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening . . . candlelight dinner . . . dancing . . . and then home to Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win a Nobel Prize
10. You put all your money on the Mets
9. Only thing you ever won was a rib eating contest
8. You spent three years trying to prove the formula: macaroni + cheese = delicious!
7. The only "A" on your report card was when your teacher called you "A moron"
6. You graduated from Harvard, but it's the Harvard in Mexico
5. When watching "Jeopardy!" you answer every questions with, "Who is Larry Hagman?"
4. Every time you see an airplane you scream, "Run for your lives — giant metal bird"
3. Devoted your life to studying global cooling
2. You're known for invading Iraq without an exit strategy
1. You're on Letterman playing with a bunch of spring snakes
Craig Ferguson
There’s a big controversy on the Internet. There’s a nude scene with Natalie Portman . . . you can download it for free. Call me old fashioned; I still prefer to pay to see naked women.
There’s a new movie opening today. “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” It’s going to be fantastic. Queen Elizabeth ruled England from 1558 to 1603. Approximately. That’s about the same time Larry King went from his third wife to his fourth wife.
Of course, England has a new ruling queen [picture of Elton John].
This movie is actually a sequel. They should have called it, “Queen vs. Predator.”
Jay Leno
Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? And he did it without a single vote from Florida.
A White House spokesman says President Bush was very happy Al Gore won. Not Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney said now he wants to bomb Norway.
A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling.
The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government of Mexico called it a hate crime.
David Letterman
You can always tell it’s autumn in New York City, because the shadow of the guy following you is longer.
Big surprise in Stockholm. The Nobel Prize in chemistry went to Jamba Juice.
The Cat Show opened in Madison Square Garden. One thousand cats arrived, and when that happened, that thing on Donald Trump’s head arched its back and hissed.
It’s the Clintons 32nd wedding anniversary. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening . . . candlelight dinner . . . dancing . . . and then home to Hillary.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win a Nobel Prize
10. You put all your money on the Mets
9. Only thing you ever won was a rib eating contest
8. You spent three years trying to prove the formula: macaroni + cheese = delicious!
7. The only "A" on your report card was when your teacher called you "A moron"
6. You graduated from Harvard, but it's the Harvard in Mexico
5. When watching "Jeopardy!" you answer every questions with, "Who is Larry Hagman?"
4. Every time you see an airplane you scream, "Run for your lives — giant metal bird"
3. Devoted your life to studying global cooling
2. You're known for invading Iraq without an exit strategy
1. You're on Letterman playing with a bunch of spring snakes
Craig Ferguson
There’s a big controversy on the Internet. There’s a nude scene with Natalie Portman . . . you can download it for free. Call me old fashioned; I still prefer to pay to see naked women.
There’s a new movie opening today. “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” It’s going to be fantastic. Queen Elizabeth ruled England from 1558 to 1603. Approximately. That’s about the same time Larry King went from his third wife to his fourth wife.
Of course, England has a new ruling queen [picture of Elton John].
This movie is actually a sequel. They should have called it, “Queen vs. Predator.”
