Thursday, October 11, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, “I need more lines.”
According to the latest polls, New Hampshire voters are warming unexpectedly to Hillary Clinton. This could be the best proof we have of global warming. Hillary thawing.
Hillary Clinton now saying she’s having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement. You know, the North American Free Trade Agreement. Which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. See this is why it’s controversial — the last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document, I guess it was their marriage license.
Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In Yesterday's Republican Debate
10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend "Carl"
9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi's in Dearborn
8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd
7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named "Mitt" — that's crazy — who's ever heard of such a thing?
6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss
5. No No. 5 — writer seeing hilarious remake of "The Heartbreak Kid" in theatres now
4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn't know who the hell he is
3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners
2. Wayne Newton was voted off
1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun
Conan O'Brien
One of President Bush’s closest advisers said Republican presidential candidate Michael Huckabee will have trouble getting elected because his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee.
Former “Law & Order” star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him “uneven, flat, and dull.” In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate.
Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, “How about we just put it up high where you can’t see it?”
Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines.
Craig Ferguson
Esquire magazine named the sexiest woman alive: Charlize Theron. She had some tough competition: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom . . .
The big news is, Radiohead has a new album out. The kids are excited. I’ve got my ear to the street . . . I know what kids like. They like Radiohead; they dance the Robot; they dance the jitterbug . . .
Radiohead is my favorite band. They’re named after an appliance and a body part. They’re much better than Toasterfoot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out.
Bobby Brown had a heart attack yesterday. For all his arrests, this is his first heart attack.
Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he checked himself into a hospital. I’m surprised they took him . . . he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, “Don’t Hasspitalize the Hoff.”
Jay Leno
Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, “I need more lines.”
According to the latest polls, New Hampshire voters are warming unexpectedly to Hillary Clinton. This could be the best proof we have of global warming. Hillary thawing.
Hillary Clinton now saying she’s having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement. You know, the North American Free Trade Agreement. Which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. See this is why it’s controversial — the last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document, I guess it was their marriage license.
Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In Yesterday's Republican Debate
10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend "Carl"
9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi's in Dearborn
8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd
7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named "Mitt" — that's crazy — who's ever heard of such a thing?
6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss
5. No No. 5 — writer seeing hilarious remake of "The Heartbreak Kid" in theatres now
4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn't know who the hell he is
3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners
2. Wayne Newton was voted off
1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun
Conan O'Brien
One of President Bush’s closest advisers said Republican presidential candidate Michael Huckabee will have trouble getting elected because his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee.
Former “Law & Order” star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him “uneven, flat, and dull.” In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate.
Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, “How about we just put it up high where you can’t see it?”
Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines.
Craig Ferguson
Esquire magazine named the sexiest woman alive: Charlize Theron. She had some tough competition: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom . . .
The big news is, Radiohead has a new album out. The kids are excited. I’ve got my ear to the street . . . I know what kids like. They like Radiohead; they dance the Robot; they dance the jitterbug . . .
Radiohead is my favorite band. They’re named after an appliance and a body part. They’re much better than Toasterfoot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out.
Bobby Brown had a heart attack yesterday. For all his arrests, this is his first heart attack.
Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he checked himself into a hospital. I’m surprised they took him . . . he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, “Don’t Hasspitalize the Hoff.”
