Friday, October 12, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
We are learning more and more information about the Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans are really paranoid about security. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall.
Hillary Clinton’s name was mention 12 times the other night at the Republican debate. Twelve times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She’s not used to guys yelling out her name.
Today is the Clintons’ 32nd wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to them. Actually Hillary’s been married for 32, Bill for about three years.
This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa, a van carrying Barack Obama’s wife was hit by a guy on a motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to keep happening.
David Letterman
Here’s a sign of fall: Today, Marion Jones tested positive for cider.
Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City. It’s all part of the city’s plan to revitalize the city’s logging industry.
The world’s first pornographic photo, believed to be taken sometime in the 1800s, is being auctioned off. I got a look at it, and I just want to say, “Wow!” That Joan Rivers was hot!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs There's A Ghost In The White House
10. White House staffers have sensed a cold presence that's not Condoleezza
9. Rattling chains and agonized screams make the place sound like Gitmo
7. Mysterious force keeps pulling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne's pants down
6. Bush looks scared even when he's not looking at poll numbers
3. Actually, with Bush on vacation every two weeks, it's like having a ghost in the White House — am I right, America?
1. Mysterious banging and moaning noises in Oval Office, but Bubba ain't there
Conan O'Brien
Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey, 67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which is surprising, because the survey said, “Are you happy with your homeowners insurance?”
Scientists have discovered an organism that has managed to survive despite the fact that it hasn’t had sex in millions of years. Scientists discovered the organism at a “Star Wars” convention.
The world’s oldest bowler turned 106. When asked how he feels, the bowler said, “At 106, I’m just trying to keep my balls out of the gutter.”
Craig Ferguson
Today is National Coming Out Day. It only comes once a year. Don’t make us wait another year, Ryan Seacrest.
Not a good day for Bobby Brown. Yesterday he had a mild heart attack. Doctors say he’s doing well, except for the fact that he’s still Bobby Brown.
He’s doing fine. He’s breathing though a pipe. No change there.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is National Coming Out Day. A day when people who are gay are encouraged to tell their families and friends that they are gay. It leads to next month’s National Uncomfortable Thanksgiving With Your Ultra-Conservative Relatives Day.
I’ve already come out twice today.
Kiefer Sutherland, star of “24,” is going to jail for 48 days for a DUI last month. Unlike Nicole Richie, he won’t be getting out 20 minutes into it. They sentenced him to that brutal Chinese prison he was in at the start of season five.
Jay Leno
We are learning more and more information about the Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans are really paranoid about security. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall.
Hillary Clinton’s name was mention 12 times the other night at the Republican debate. Twelve times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She’s not used to guys yelling out her name.
Today is the Clintons’ 32nd wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to them. Actually Hillary’s been married for 32, Bill for about three years.
This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa, a van carrying Barack Obama’s wife was hit by a guy on a motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to keep happening.
David Letterman
Here’s a sign of fall: Today, Marion Jones tested positive for cider.
Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City. It’s all part of the city’s plan to revitalize the city’s logging industry.
The world’s first pornographic photo, believed to be taken sometime in the 1800s, is being auctioned off. I got a look at it, and I just want to say, “Wow!” That Joan Rivers was hot!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs There's A Ghost In The White House
10. White House staffers have sensed a cold presence that's not Condoleezza
9. Rattling chains and agonized screams make the place sound like Gitmo
7. Mysterious force keeps pulling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne's pants down
6. Bush looks scared even when he's not looking at poll numbers
3. Actually, with Bush on vacation every two weeks, it's like having a ghost in the White House — am I right, America?
1. Mysterious banging and moaning noises in Oval Office, but Bubba ain't there
Conan O'Brien
Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey, 67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which is surprising, because the survey said, “Are you happy with your homeowners insurance?”
Scientists have discovered an organism that has managed to survive despite the fact that it hasn’t had sex in millions of years. Scientists discovered the organism at a “Star Wars” convention.
The world’s oldest bowler turned 106. When asked how he feels, the bowler said, “At 106, I’m just trying to keep my balls out of the gutter.”
Craig Ferguson
Today is National Coming Out Day. It only comes once a year. Don’t make us wait another year, Ryan Seacrest.
Not a good day for Bobby Brown. Yesterday he had a mild heart attack. Doctors say he’s doing well, except for the fact that he’s still Bobby Brown.
He’s doing fine. He’s breathing though a pipe. No change there.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is National Coming Out Day. A day when people who are gay are encouraged to tell their families and friends that they are gay. It leads to next month’s National Uncomfortable Thanksgiving With Your Ultra-Conservative Relatives Day.
I’ve already come out twice today.
Kiefer Sutherland, star of “24,” is going to jail for 48 days for a DUI last month. Unlike Nicole Richie, he won’t be getting out 20 minutes into it. They sentenced him to that brutal Chinese prison he was in at the start of season five.
