Thursday, October 18, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
This week, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Lynne Cheney says that Obama-Dick Cheney connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting: Do you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob dole.
If you would like to find out if you are related to Dick Cheney, there’s a very simple test. Here’s what you do. You go out to a shooting range, and if you can’t tell the difference between a lawyer and a quail . . . you could be related.
Hillary Clinton was on “The View” the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. Like of people don’t know this, Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft.
According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars in sales last year. A billion dollars! Of course, the Botox people are thrilled. You couldn’t tell by looking at their faces, but they were.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in new York City. After that, he’s going to bring in a bird.
One million trees — $3 billion contract with Halliburton.
Did you hear this? It turns out Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins. In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself.
Obama and Cheney are cousins, but Obama didn’t inherit the family sneer.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Late Show Fire
10. "Here's the problem — Dave left his hairpiece too close to the boiler"
9. "Everybody follow the rats to safety"
8. "Does this count as the Late Show Christmas party?"
7. "Too bad the funny Top Ten list was destroyed"
6. "I should have used more gasoline"
5. "No, Mr. Walker, we don't believe the cause was dyn-o-mite"
4. "Now that we have fire, this place truly is like hell"
3. "No number 3 — writer loopy from smoke inhalation"
2. "Hey, the theater's now up to a toasty 54 degrees"
1. "Forget the interns, Dave, save yourself!"
Conan O'Brien
Big day in Washington. Today President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.”
Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’ meeting with the Dalai Lama. Bush said he doesn’t think his meeting with the Dalai Lama with damage our relationship with China. “But this might,” Bush said as he took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich.
Today, the world’s oldest blogger celebrated her birthday. She turned 108 years old. Unfortunately she only got two gifts — a bikini and a webcam.
The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350.
Craig Ferguson
A great day for Tiger Woods. He’s getting his own sports drink Gatorade Tiger. I’m trying to get my own Snapple flavor. Craig, Snapple — Crapple.
The New York Times reports England is fighting a war of the squirrels. Gray squirrels vs. red squirrels. This is bigger than Alien vs. Predator, Rosie vs. Trump.
Here’s what’s going on: The red squirrel is a native of England. It’s a small brained, red-headed, big-eared creature [picture of Prince Harry shown].
But now, there’s a new kid on the block: The American gray squirrel. He’s bigger, he’s obnoxious, his fur is so bushy it looks like fake fur [picture of Donald Trump shown].
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding . . . unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs.
I’ve been saying for years that Buddhism needs a more comprehensive steroid policy . . .
Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. The last Dalai the president greeted at the White House was Parton.
Jay Leno
This week, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Lynne Cheney says that Obama-Dick Cheney connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting: Do you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob dole.
If you would like to find out if you are related to Dick Cheney, there’s a very simple test. Here’s what you do. You go out to a shooting range, and if you can’t tell the difference between a lawyer and a quail . . . you could be related.
Hillary Clinton was on “The View” the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. Like of people don’t know this, Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft.
According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars in sales last year. A billion dollars! Of course, the Botox people are thrilled. You couldn’t tell by looking at their faces, but they were.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in new York City. After that, he’s going to bring in a bird.
One million trees — $3 billion contract with Halliburton.
Did you hear this? It turns out Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins. In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself.
Obama and Cheney are cousins, but Obama didn’t inherit the family sneer.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Late Show Fire
10. "Here's the problem — Dave left his hairpiece too close to the boiler"
9. "Everybody follow the rats to safety"
8. "Does this count as the Late Show Christmas party?"
7. "Too bad the funny Top Ten list was destroyed"
6. "I should have used more gasoline"
5. "No, Mr. Walker, we don't believe the cause was dyn-o-mite"
4. "Now that we have fire, this place truly is like hell"
3. "No number 3 — writer loopy from smoke inhalation"
2. "Hey, the theater's now up to a toasty 54 degrees"
1. "Forget the interns, Dave, save yourself!"
Conan O'Brien
Big day in Washington. Today President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.”
Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’ meeting with the Dalai Lama. Bush said he doesn’t think his meeting with the Dalai Lama with damage our relationship with China. “But this might,” Bush said as he took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich.
Today, the world’s oldest blogger celebrated her birthday. She turned 108 years old. Unfortunately she only got two gifts — a bikini and a webcam.
The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350.
Craig Ferguson
A great day for Tiger Woods. He’s getting his own sports drink Gatorade Tiger. I’m trying to get my own Snapple flavor. Craig, Snapple — Crapple.
The New York Times reports England is fighting a war of the squirrels. Gray squirrels vs. red squirrels. This is bigger than Alien vs. Predator, Rosie vs. Trump.
Here’s what’s going on: The red squirrel is a native of England. It’s a small brained, red-headed, big-eared creature [picture of Prince Harry shown].
But now, there’s a new kid on the block: The American gray squirrel. He’s bigger, he’s obnoxious, his fur is so bushy it looks like fake fur [picture of Donald Trump shown].
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding . . . unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs.
I’ve been saying for years that Buddhism needs a more comprehensive steroid policy . . .
Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. The last Dalai the president greeted at the White House was Parton.
