Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad . . . today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed.
Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss.
Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning . . .
Abigail van Buren, better known as Dear Abby, says she's for gay marriage . . . Dear Abby has come out for gay marriage. Which came as a tremendous shock to gay people — they had no idea she was still alive.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York City. One million trees . . . or as Donald Trump calls them — eyesores.
The goal is to add as many trees as there are Starbuckses.
We need more trees, because currently, squirrels have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move into a tree.
Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore — he won the Nobel Peace Prize. This should make up for not getting “The Price Is Right” job.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages On Al Gore's Answering Machine
10. "Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card"
9. "George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy"
8. "It's Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business"
7. "Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns"
6. "This is Hillary. If you run for president I'll snap your neck"
5. "It's Jets coach Eric Mangini. Can you play quarterback?"
4. "Ann Coulter here. Any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?"
3. "I'm calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You're just sweating because you're getting fat"
2. "This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?"
1. "It's Cheney. Watch your back, Jack"
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, Sen. Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he’s now in “the toughest fight of his life.” Then Craig added, “Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.”
According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted the most likely to shop in the children’s department.
Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience.
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.”
Craig Ferguson
Paul McCartney is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Does anybody ever go through a nice divorce? Does anybody ever say, “Oh I had a beautiful divorce. It was fabulous! We had a fine selection of chicken or fish.”
He said divorce is hell. I agree. I’ve been through it twice. Divorce is tough on everybody — except of course, divorce lawyers. That’s why, when divorce lawyers die, and I hope you are all watching tonight, you’re going to hell.
Drew Carey got engaged over the weekend! It’s true! There’ll be a moment of silence at strip clubs all across America.
Jay Leno
Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad . . . today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed.
Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss.
Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning . . .
Abigail van Buren, better known as Dear Abby, says she's for gay marriage . . . Dear Abby has come out for gay marriage. Which came as a tremendous shock to gay people — they had no idea she was still alive.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York City. One million trees . . . or as Donald Trump calls them — eyesores.
The goal is to add as many trees as there are Starbuckses.
We need more trees, because currently, squirrels have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move into a tree.
Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore — he won the Nobel Peace Prize. This should make up for not getting “The Price Is Right” job.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages On Al Gore's Answering Machine
10. "Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card"
9. "George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy"
8. "It's Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business"
7. "Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns"
6. "This is Hillary. If you run for president I'll snap your neck"
5. "It's Jets coach Eric Mangini. Can you play quarterback?"
4. "Ann Coulter here. Any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?"
3. "I'm calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You're just sweating because you're getting fat"
2. "This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?"
1. "It's Cheney. Watch your back, Jack"
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, Sen. Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he’s now in “the toughest fight of his life.” Then Craig added, “Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.”
According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted the most likely to shop in the children’s department.
Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience.
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.”
Craig Ferguson
Paul McCartney is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Does anybody ever go through a nice divorce? Does anybody ever say, “Oh I had a beautiful divorce. It was fabulous! We had a fine selection of chicken or fish.”
He said divorce is hell. I agree. I’ve been through it twice. Divorce is tough on everybody — except of course, divorce lawyers. That’s why, when divorce lawyers die, and I hope you are all watching tonight, you’re going to hell.
Drew Carey got engaged over the weekend! It’s true! There’ll be a moment of silence at strip clubs all across America.
